Wednesday, July 21

Sooo mature...

Im thoroughly impressed by the intense degree of maturity that you displayed just now... signing off. OOOH. That was good. Wow.

So since youre not going to listen to me otherwise, I figure you might listen this way. But right now, I really cant be sure.

This whole thing-- you and my mom fighting and not liking eachother? Yeah. It sucks. Think about it this way. You told me so many times how difficult it was on you when Melvin didn't like your girlfriends, when you felt like you had to choose between Melvin and Andrea, or Melvin and Allison. Well think of it this way. Thats exactly what you are making me do. I'm forced to entirely switch gears when I'm talking to my mom and you come up, or when I'm talking to you and my mom comes up. And I have to take sides. You thought it was hard with your best friend and your girlfriend? Try combining them. Try your bestfriend/boyfriend and your mom. Yeah, makes life tough, doesn't it. Because when I'm upset about this shit? Who do most people turn to? Their best friend. But what happens when your best friend is the one youre upset about? You turn to your mom or your next closest friend. But what happens when your mom is also involved? Then youre in my boat. Youre screwed in the ass.

Trust me. Its not a happy experience.

And you sit there, entirely confused as to why this is a tough situation. Why I am reacting as I am. Why I dont want you to send the apology letters? Because I feel like you'd just be lying. Because regardless of the situation, whether youre at fault or she is, or whether there is even a situation at all-- you dont like her. And that has been made painfully clear. So youre making this all quite difficult on me.

And for you to sit there and tell me that youre not apologizing to her because shes not apologizing to you? Well, that just makes me feel like you havent ever paid attention to anything I've ever told you about my fights with her. Think about it. With me, when shes at fault, when has she ever apologized? Still thinking? Me too. Bet you won't come up with an answer, because it doesnt happen. Thats why. And the person I thought I knew, was the kind of guy who would suck it up, and wouldnt let someone else bring them down, and would still do what was morally correct. Just like you did with Andrea. Just like what you did with Chris. Hell, just like what you did with Tim and Kyle. But what makes my mom so different? Why are you on such an entirely different level or playing an entirely different game with her? Why is that?

And its pretty shitty, if you ask me. Because if youre so into this idea of spending your life with me, as much as you have led me to believe, which, at this point, I'm hoping with all of my might that it wasnt a lie, then why the heck wouldn't you make that gesture? Why would you do it for other people who are so inconsequential in our lives, in your life, but you wont do it for the person who is somewhat important? Fuck, if youre going to marry me, youre going to have to deal with my mom. And burning that bridge now isnt the way you get to that place. Im sorry. And so maybe now its all a big no, and youre feeling like this is all a big mistake. Well, if thats the case, then please, let me know. Let me know so I can plan accordingly. So I wont keep my hopes up for a happy life. So that I wont have to keep telling myself every night that I wont be so sad because one day soon, everything will be happy again, becasue Ill be with you. Please, just tell me know, so that I can start trying to tell myself that.

Because you may not see this as a big deal to you, but to me, its giant.



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