Friday, July 2

Something that I have learned.

So this is probably going to be a long and semi-serious post, so I'm warning you before you read it.

Before I met you, and up until just recently I had given up all hope in religion, in god, in faith, and well, hope in general. I had felt so betrayed by life after my grandpa died that I was certain that there was no "divine power" in life, and that what happens is what happens. You get screwed in life, and I saw no opportunity for a person or a series of events to change or excel. I saw what happened as one of the worst things that I could fathom, and so I did what I always do when things get out of control. I shut down. In the midst of a chapel filled with bishops and priests and various members of relgious clergy speaking on behalf of their peer, my grandpa, I lost my faith. I lost any and every avenue for hope when he died, and I saw no way to get it back. I looked upon god as a mere image, an idealized creature that somehow took a firm hold on the minds and spirits of millions. And I laughed. I laughed at the fact that I could be so foolish as to believe that there was someone out there, or something out there controlling the universe, making certain that you weren't given any more than you could handle. That idea in itself made me laugh, because I certainly could not handle losing my grandpa. And it is still something that is incredibly difficult for me, and still brings tears and strong emotion to my eyes and to my spirit at the thought.

So for years, all of this stuck with me. That I had been let down by so many people in so many ways, including god, including faith, and including my grandpa. And that terrified me. And then when I found out how my dad really died, that just worsened the pain. I felt betrayed once again, and I felt manipulated. So I shut down again. I decided to never look again at religion or at god, or any of that stuff that came with it all. And I was doing alright with that.

That is, until I met you.

I think you are the first person, aside from my grandpa (who I think would have really loved you, and you would have really liked... I think you two are very similar in many aspects, and to some degree thats startling (im not trying to freak you out,) but its also very comforting to me as well,) who has embraced religion so passionately, and so personally, but hasnt embellished their faith into every aspect of their life so that it becomes stifling. Neither one of you were extremely adamant about attending mass every Sunday. Yes, I know you like to attend, and I know he did too, but I also know that you both feel as though you can practice your faith outside of the walls of a church. And that is what is different. And though your faith may be predominant in your life, you don't discriminate against anyone who is not the same way.

So let me get to the point of this post. What I've wanted to tell you but I dont know when to say it, or how to say it. So since we both know I'm better at writing then at speaking, I'm just going to keep on writing.

Your views n your faith, and our late night talks about god and religion and everything in between has helped me look into myself and see what I have given up on. I hadn't just given up on god and on religion, but on myself as well. And you've helped me see that. Now I dont quite know what impact I anticipate this all having upon you, but I just wanted to share all of this with you.

I wanted to share with you how what you have shared with me has affected me so dramatically. How your love, your faith, your compassion, has helped me to re-examine my life and all that is expected from me, and what I expect from it.

Now I feel so dorky and hokey saying this, but I've learned to welcome faith back into my life. Not for you, not for my grandpa, but for me. Because I know that though it may not be strong, its something that can make you as a person stronger. And I know its something that would have made my grandpa proud.

I'm a strong believer in signs and symbols, and the day that you and I went to mass and the pastor gave the sermon about looking for things in life that you had left behind, and for seeing symbols and understanding messages, I realized that was my message. That is what I was supposed to hear, after almost 4 years, and that was what was supposed to help me become a better person. And I have you to thank for that, both indirectly and directly. I thank you for taking me to church that Sunday, for not making me go but for taking me with you. I thank you for talking to me about all of this when I feel the need to talk. I thank you for not judging me based on my beliefs, and I thank you for being patient through the almost two years I have known you.


Patience is something that comes difficult for both of us, when we both know what we want and know how it feels to have that thing (or person,) and to know that we have to wait. But I also know that patience doesn't kill you. Patience may be a pest, and it may be difficult to come by, but its also something that can, in time, (haha patience,) make you stronger. It will make us stronger. I have faith.

And I can remember something that so many people have said before, and something that is so over used, but its also something that my grandma read at my grandpa's funeral, and it was also read at their wedding, only it was read by him then. About love, and about patience. And though its over done, it still has meaning-- even in this time.

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

~ 1 Corinthians 13 ~

And I know that because what we have is love, and what we have is true, that we will both be able to be patient, despite the fact that we don't want to be. But just know that if it is here now, it will always be here.

And I just realized that all of this kind of doesnt really make sense, it kind of just runs together. But here's my point.

It is because of you that I have re-discovered my faith in god and faith in general. It is because of you that I am able to know what love is, and it is because of this love that we will be able to endure this time apart, because our love will remain. And I thank you for helping me see all of this, for helping me move on in my mourning of my grandpa. Though it happened a while ago, I still have not completely come to terms with it, simply because it hurts me far too much to think about it all. But I hope that through all of this, that I will be able to.

So, thank you. And I'm sorry if this kind of went on and on, and makes no sense. If you have any questions or want to talk to me about it, you know you can. But thank you for helping me grow, and become a stronger person. Thank you. You have changed me and my life forever, and every moment that I spend with you or know you is another moment that you have improved and impacted my life with. I love you.


Blogger Yours said...

i didn't change you, you changed yourself...i love you

7/02/2004 3:38 PM  

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