Tuesday, July 20

Man do I miss you...

Hi baby,
I woke up this morning so sad because I had had this amazing  dream about you and I, and our future and it ended with me crawling into bed with you and falling asleep with my head on your shoulder. Absolutely perfect. But when I woke up, I almost expected for you to be there, and then when you weren't, I was sad. Oh well.
 
I can't wait for that day to come. I really miss all the stupid simple things the most, I think.
 
You know, its kind of funny, that when I am home (SJ) I can't stand being in the house all day, let alone all the time. But when I am really home (with you), I don't mind it one single bit. And I love that. I love that I feel so safe, so comfortable, so happy when its just the two of us, that I am completely unaware of our surroundings and dont mind wasting the day away with you, just lying in bed or watching tv on the couch. I love that. Oh man, September 1st can't come soon enough.
 
After we hung up last night, I couldn't stop thinking about our call, and I started to feel bad, because I couldn't tell if you were serious or not. (You know what part I'm talking about,) and I don't quite know why I'm "dwelling" on it, but I am. Every part of me tells me that you weren't serious because I can remember last summer, late nights on the phone, and both of us wanting to say "I love you" for the first time, but you saying, "I want to say something to you, but its not something that should be said over the phone because its too important. I want to say it to you in person." And thats why I don't believe it. Because if you won't say "I love you" the first time on the phone, why the heck would you propose on it? lol. So every logical part of me says its not real, but every illogical part of me (namley my heart,) says it is. And I dunno if its because I am so excited for our future together, or if its because I'm just uncertain about some of the things you say because I feel like I can't read you right, or if it's simply because all of this is just so good that I fear its going to be "too good to be true." And I know this all drives you insane-- the fact that some of the time youre unable to assuage my fears, or that you feel like I don't believe you, or that I doubt you or your feelings. But know this-- I don't. I believe you, and I love you, and I know that all of this is real. Its just so good, even despite the distance and the headache and the heartache of being without eachother, its still so good. And that just amazes me each and every day. I wake up in a stupor, but still feel like I'm dreaming. You're amazing. This is amazing. And I am so lucky to have you and your love in my life.
 
There's an old saying that says "what the mind doesn't understand, the heart does," and until I met you, I never understood that. I never could figure out why life couldn't always be logical, why you couldn't reason things out for an eternal amount of time. I had reasoned out that you and I were not dating because we were better as friends. I had reasoned out that what Chris had shown me was love and not just a supreme opportunity for him. I had reasoned out that my dad and my grandpa died so that I might be able to make room in my heart for others, and I  had reasoned out that life was solid. There was birth, there was life, then in the end, there was death; and that all the things in between were inconsequential. That they were essentially irrelevant, and that love and happiness was a mere accessory to the obligatory elements of life. But somehow all of that changed. In the course of two years (well, to get technical, 1 year 11 months,) I've learned that all of those things were wrong, well not completely wrong, but they certainly were not concrete nor unalterable, and that the heart is capable of just as many amazing things as the mind is-- only their actions are on an entirely different spectrum.
 
Looking back at all of this, it kind of makes me laugh. That how I thought before is such a rigid and nearly scientific approach to life-- yet, at that time, I still wanted to be a writer. How could I have posisbly been a writer if I had no heart? If I showed no compassion, and if I felt nothing. My Jr Honors Lit teacher, Mrs. Bolton once told me, that "writing does not come from the mind, but instead it is pure emotion flowing down through the fingertips, straight from the heart," and that a good writer sits down and doesn't think about what they are writing, but instead just lets it all come out. I always found that interesting, and I suppose now, I find it true.
 
So I know that as usual, I'm rambling on again. But its all somewhat amazing to me. This whole situation, this whole way of living, and the fact that I no longer feel this intense shroud of doubt hovering over me. That for once in my life, I know things are right. That I can trust what you say, what you feel, even what I feel. And that amazes me. And to some degree, it scares the shit out of me too, because I don't even want to start to think about what I would do if something happened to you, if somehow all of this changed-- for the worse, or if you changed your mind and found someone else or something like that. And I know right now, if I was saying this to you in person, you would tell me in a reassuring tone that nothings going to happen and youre not going to change your mind, and I know that. I know that in my heart. Its just that sometimes my head takes over and I start to think, and I start to wonder and I start to doubt. Thats why last night I acted how I did, and thats why I didn't believe you. Because this is all just so good, that I can't believe it just keeps getting better. Just when I think its hit the top, it breaks through the roof and goes soaring up into the sky. Its that good.
 
So I guess the point of this all, is that I love you, and I'm sorry for questioning you, and I wish I could tell how serious you were last night, because regardless of the severity or whatnot, my answer to that question, will always be yes. If it ever gets asked-- or if it already was. lol.
 
I love you. I just need to start trusting my heart more, rather than my head. Give me a little more time, or another kiss or another night in your arms, and I swear, I'll only feel with you, instead of thinking. (Well Ill think too, but you know what I mean.) LOVE YOU.

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