Friday, July 2

Ikea...

So I hope this doesn't hurt, but I teared up today when my mom and I went to Ikea. Yeah, I know, it sounds weird, but here's why. Everywhere I turned, I thought of you. I saw your desk. I saw your dishes. The bamboo plants. I thought about how I wanted to go to Ikea with you in LA and we have never gotten the chance. I thought about you and I shopping together for furniture in the future, for a home of our own. And I thought about us in Crate & Barrell in SF, looking at beds, talking about colors and styles and dishes and things like that. And every bed I saw, every thing I saw, I thought of you. Wondering what it would be like to sleep with you in it, what you would think if I got this desk or that chair or whatever. And I thought about us. I couldn't help it, but it got so bad that I felt tears swelling in my eyes, because I miss you that much.

Now I know that earlier I talked to you about how both of us being in this "rut" isnt conducive to our mental health, but not thinking about you and us and everything that we have and everything that we have shared, isn't conducive for my heart. So I take it back. I just get so disheartened and discouraged when I know there's nothing that I can do, yet I'm the only one who can do anything at all. And that's why I get upset. That's why I get snippy. Its because I love you, and because I miss you, and because when you tell me how much you miss me, it hurts. Not because it hurts that you miss me, but because I can't be there for you. I hate not being there with you. Not kissing you goodbye before you leave for class. Not distracting you while you try and study for your midterms. Not "clearing your mind" before your exams, and not dropping you off at your tests. I miss us laughing under muffled voices as we hear Reid and Demetria downstairs, and I miss your constant enthusiasm for "doing it on the kitchen counter" or on the couch, or anywhere. I miss everything. But most of all, I miss you. I miss the way that your hand feels upon my face, the way that your fingers run through my hair, the way that you rub my body while you sleep, even though you're totally snoring-passed-out. I miss absolutely everything. I miss arguing about shishkabobs and how they're put on skewers, I miss going to the grocery store with you and laughing as I want to buy onions and tomatoes and you tell me that you won't eat them. I miss you constantly trying to spoil me (not because I should be spoiled, but because you get this adorable little twinkle in your eye when you get an idea, especially when that idea concerns me,) and I miss trying to distract you and make you forget about the idea by kissing you.

I hate how I can sit here and remember everything so clearly, like its happening right now, but when I open my eyes, I'm still sitting here alone in my room, hundreds of miles away from you. And I loathe having to be optimistic all the time, always having to see the glass as "half-full" when I really could give a rats ass about the glass, and want to throw it off the counter and make love to you right there instead. And I miss seeing you laugh, hearing you laugh, feeling your chest heave in and out when you are entirely content. I just miss you. I miss us. And I hate missing. I hate knowing what I could have, what I could be having, knowing that it's mine to have, but still not getting it.

Sometimes, I just feel like a horse with a carrot dangled in front of him. Always there, but always out of reach. Ugh. I just can't wait for the summer to be over. For it to be September, where we can spend a whole month just goofing off with eachother, taking random trips to wherever we want, going on picnics at the lake, staying in bed till one in the afternoon, and never seeming to be able to get enough of eachother.

But until that day comes, I'm just going to have to wait. To live on phone calls and messages, to fill my days with dreams and memories, and knowing that each moment that passes is another moment that I'm closer to you. Closer to us. Us, the way it was, the way it should be, and the way it is. I miss you.

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