Thursday, July 29

Something you might want to know about me...

So you know I have anxiety. (well if you didnt know before, now you do.) I have been clinically diagnosed with Anxiety and a stress disorder, so much so that I get panic attacks, causing me to either shut down or completely freak out, or to revert to drastic measures because I feel threatened.

So I want to explain to you something that might help you understand how I work, and why I react the way I do.

When I react in an adverse way, where I say "I give up" or something of that nature-- or where I respond with the most drastic response possible, "just break up with me" and so on, its not ever because I dont care, but instead its because I dont know how else to respond. Each time that we fight or I fight with my mom or I meet a new person or I am faced with a pressing or challenging situation, I have a panic attack. Sometimes theyre minor, like when I meet someone new, where my palms just sweat and I have sweat beads run down my back. But when I get into fights, my whole body trembles, and my muscles clench and I cant think clearly. I think in only the extremes, and I begin to hyperventilate. Youve seen it happen before. (Think: when we had that huge fight freshman year (the slut one,) or the one more recently where you thought I was leaving for good.) And I can't control it to the fullest extent-- sometimes I can, but usually its completely uncontrollable. And yes there are ways to medicate it, to make myself gain better control over the attacks by taking prescription drugs, but you know how I feel about prescription drugs and doctors. And how I feel about medicating society, becuase basically I could look at it from this angle: You could medicate me for my OCD (I am extremely compulsive about books. They have to be aligned and neat, with the spines all showing and arranged by height. Also, about writing. I am extremely compulsive about writing and things of that nature-- heck look at what I'm doing right now. I am also compulsive about hygene, food preparation and so forth... germs in general. But you knew that part,) for my Anxiety, for ADD (I was once diagnosed with ADD, and I still do have it-- its lessened with age, but I am entirely unable to focus on one thing at a time. So thats just the tip of it. Throw in the eating disorder and the self-image issues, and wow. Youve got a winner.

Youre dating a defective person. Ive said in the past that I should come with a warning label, disclosing my pitfalls and my follies. But Ive yet to actually generate that label.

Now you can look at this all as an excuse as to why I act the way I do, and as to why I get into this mode, where its always so drastic. And I've worked on it a lot-- it used to be a lot worse. But I hope that by you understanding this, you can better understand me, and what I write and how I react.

 
For the most part, what I do with you is called "fight or flight" syndrome.  And since youre all into the technical aspects of it all, I figured Id post some of the info about it here for you.

"Fight or Flight is a physiological/psychological response to a threat. During this automatic, involuntary response, an area of the brain stem will release increased quantity of NOREPINEPHRINE which in turn causes the ADRENAL glands to release more ADRENALINE. This increase in Adrenaline causes faster heart rate, pulse rate, respiration rate. There is also, shunting of the blood to more vital areas, and release of blood sugar, lactic acid and other chemicals, all of which is involved in getting the body ready for fighting the danger (a tiger, a mugger), or running away from the threat. Feelings of dread, fear, impending doom, are common. "[From: http://www.panicattack.net/description2.htm]
 
A good site on information is this: http://www.panic-attacks.co.uk/panic_attacks_1.htm (Dr.Preston reccomended it) Below is an excerpt from it.

"That is why the mind of a human being can trigger a panic attack fast and unconsciously. This is highly important. People who suffer panic attacks often report that "they come from nowhere" and this is an essential part of the fight or flight response"
 
"What happens during a panic attack?
Well, several things happen as your body alters its priorities from long term survival to emergency short term survival. In response to the release of hormones such as adrenaline, your blood pressure increases and breathing speeds up preparing you for muscular effort."

 
"Blood is shunted away from the stomach to the major muscle groups where it will be used during an emergency. This is why people who experience regular stress often have digestive problems: blood is constantly being pumped to areas other than the stomach." (When I was diagnosed with anorexia, I was told that my anxiety had a direct corrolation between my eating habits and my lifestyle. It still continues today, which is why I dont eat as frequently or as much-- its a combination of my stomach shrinking and also my constant anxiety.)

"Panic Thought 6: Losing control
When having an anxiety attack, it can feel like you have lost control. In fact, all that has happened is that control has shifted from your conscious to your unconscious mind, so things are still being regulated, just differently. "

 
"Part 5 : The Brain and Panic Attacks: 'Emotional Hijacking'


When you have a panic attack, or become very anxious your emotional response can actually bypass your 'thinking brain'. The red dot in the diagram is the amygdala, which is involved with creating a 'faster than thought' panic attack. It is very difficult, or impossible, to think clearly when highly emotional because the part of the brain you think with is inhibited.
This is a very primitive part of your brain, designed for survival, rather than problem solving in complex situations.
The most common comment from people who have panic attacks is 'It's totally irrational', which is quite right. It's not the rational part of the brain that deals with panic attacks. This is why people often find it hard to make decisions during a panic attack. "


 

Now I dont know if this was a good idea for me to post all this, for me to tell you about it all. I talked to Dr.Preston about it today, more in regards to my response to my Mom and our fights, but I realized its also completely applicable to my relationship with you. I hope you can understand that what I do, I dont do with malice or the intent of sabatoging our relationship, but instead to protect me, and to protect you. So I'm sorry that I am the way I am. And I'm sorry I had to explain this all, that its even something that has to be adressed. So please forgive me. I do love you, and I do regret putting you through all this, and putting us through this. I swear, I am working on it, and will continue to work on it. I just hope that you wont give up on me by the time that I get to the point that I can manage all of this. Im sorry. I love you.

Just an observation...

To me, it seems like we can both identify the issues that we have with the situation, make all the excuses that we possibly can and justify ourselves to eachother to an unrelenting intensity. 

But seriously, what are we doing about it?

yeah its true I cant see how you react when I'm not around, and you can't see how I react either. How I do things for "us" and how I am working for us... so I suppose its an unfair judgement to make on either behalf-- we are judging the other's actions based solely on assumption and not no evidence.

And I may sound a little bit cynical, but I cant help it. Its just who I am, and I figured you would have understood that by now. But whatever.

So I'm not going to push it anymore. I'm just going to sit back and see what happens, let it happen. Because to me, it seems like all this is becoming is one person pushing, whilst the other shoves. Its getting to be pretty ridiculous.

And as for the Tahoe thing-- I was never suggesting that you go and not have fun, so if you gathered that from what I wrote, well, then youre wrong. I do hope that you enjoy yourself. I hope its worth the time and the trip and the energy.

At this point, I dont know what to do or what you want to do with all of this... So I'm just going to let it all go, and I'm going to just hope that your exams went well and that you have a good weekend. And when you dont feel like fighting, maybe we can try this again, because Im just too fatigued for all this.

This summer has become the most tiring summer of my entire life, and its wearing me thin. In every sense of the word. And I know thats not your fault, nor is it my mom's, or work's or anyone's. I suppose it just happens, but I think its getting to be pretty unhealthy-- all of this. Fighting, arguing, living phone call and email by email. Its just not sane and its just not healthy. So I dont knwo what to tell you.

I  hope you enjoy your time this weekend, and good luck.

Bye.

 

(oh and because i know you overreact when I post things like this, where it seems so fatal in the end, ill answer the question that you have in your head. No, I'm not breaking up with you. I just want you to enjoy your life, however that may come, however that may be.)

My response is this:

Thats a whole bunch of BS.

If I'm pulling away at all, its more along the lines to protect you, simply because to me, it seems like you fair a lot better when we dont talk-- youre not as down, you find more things to do, and focus your life onto other aspects. Which is good. I dont want you moping around, being sad or depressed, and I dont want you dwelling on this whole thing.

And as for my "talk to you on Monday" thing-- well I would talk to you in between, but I know you have to study, so I figured the rest of today to early tomorrow was shot, since you have your exam tomorrow. Then after that I'm sure youll be busy packing and driving, and then flying. Then all weekend youll be in Tahoe, which I will say it now, I'm not too hot on, but whatever. Thats me, and I can't do a damn thing about it, so I'm just going to have to get over it. And I assume, that the time that you are in Tahoe you'll be having too much fun to call, and I wouldn't expect you to, so that was my point. You wouldnt be getting back to HB till late on Sunday, and so naturally, it seems like Monday would be the logical alternative.

I dunno. Im just really sick of this crap, sick of a constant battle with you, and sometimes its kind of nice to not fight. I mean, do you remember where we didnt argue every time we talked? Or if we did it was over stupid things, like whether or not illegal immigrants should be able to get drivers licenses? But now its all the serious stuff, and I really dont want to get into all of that, because it just brings me down, and I assume, that it brings you down as well.

As for you not coming? Well you dont know me at all then.

I do want you to come. I would love for it. But every single inkling that I have gotten from you in regards to staying with me has been a "um no, I can sleep in my car" kind of response. And to tell you the truth, that just pisses me off. That you arent able to put your differences aside for us. Not just for me, but for us. And that just pisses me off.

And so yeah, when my mom says shes not so hot on it, I'm not going to intensely fight her over it if to me, it seems like youre not all that into coming and staying with me. But to think that I'm happy? Seriously. Maybe you don't know me.

And you can argue all that you want that you would still come up here and stay with me if you could, because you want to see me. But if you come into my house pessimistic about being here, that you have to stay in the same house as my mom, well then I'm not going to be too hot on it all either. Thats where I stand on all this.

And thats how it has seemed to me this whole summer. yeah, you may want to come and see me, but I know that you would much rather me come down there, rather than have to come up here and "deal" with my mom. 

So thats my two cents. You can call if you want, you can comment if you feel compelled. Or you can just enjoy your weekend with your friends. Right now, its all the same to me, because I really am tired of fighting, and having to put up this long and intensive explanations afterwards. It gets to be really, really draining.

I mean, think about it. Look back at my last like 15 posts-- they're all, "Im sorrys" or explanations. Nothing is the way it was before. And I understand that with time and distance comes change, but this doesnt look too good. At least not to me.

So my truest response is this:
I love you. I always will. But dont call or come out of obligation. And if you dont get a chance to call or something? Yeah, Ill understand.

Wednesday, July 28

Per our "chat" earlier...

So it drives me crazy how we go around in circles like this. I’m not upset, and I hope you aren’t either. I just get a little aggravated by the whole “fine” thing—simply because you get on me about it all the time. Which is cool, but I think it’s retarded when you get offended when I get on you about it. But that’s all petty.

And as for the whole you-visiting-me thing, well, I don’t quite know what my mom will say, how it will play out and what the deal is—so I don’t want to lead you on. Also, I don’t want you to have to risk getting into trouble with your mom or being disheartened by the fact that she might say no, because my mom takes so long to decide upon things. But that’s an issue for another day I suppose.

Now don’t get me wrong: I do want to see you. I just don’t know how feasible it will be, considering I know you’re not too hot on the whole coming-up-here-and-staying-with-my-mom-and-I thing, so I’m not going to make you do that. But I don’t know how feasible it is for me to come down there, with my work schedule and whatnot. So I don’t know if you just want to wait till September, or if you want to fly by the seat of your pants. I know you always have stuff to do at home, and your Mom can always use your help, and you’ll have been gone the weekend before, and well, much of the summer thus far. So I’m sure she will want to see you and spend time with you. I also know that you guys are trying to go on a vacation or something so I don’t want to stand in the way of that.

But the moral of this story is, that I am talking to my mom and seeing if I can work things out—but her main concern is that she doesn’t really want you to stay with us, because she doesn’t feel that you were respectful to her in the past, and she doesn’t like disrespect in her home. So yeah. Take that how ever you may like to, I’m still trying.

I think I’m going to head off to bed soon—my arm is killing me from the ceiling today. Boo. Love you.

Oh boy... watchout

Here's my kiss style:

 
dominant
You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!

Tuesday, July 27

I love you

Lots!

Sunday, July 25

Just tell me what you want...

I dont know what you want at this point. I know what I want: you. I want to see you, I want to be in your arms, I want to kiss you and I want to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you. Even though you might not believe that right now, amidst it all.

Im sorry that I make this all so difficult. I'm sorry that I didnt understand that you were joking, and I'm sorry for making you worry and putting you through all of this.

I dont quite know what else to say. I love you.

Im hoping that you not answering my call earlier was a fluke-- that you were busy or something-- and not that you were blowing me off or didnt want to talk to me.

But then again, thats probably me just being paranoid.

And im not so worried about the Demetria thing-- I understand you guys are friends. Id like to think that she and I are friends as well. But who can tell anymore. Im sorry for overreacting. I know ive said this before, and Ill say it again-- I'm just so afraid to lose you, that even though I know it wont happen, its still a big fear. And I know thats lame, but I cant help it.

I know that youre serious about me, and I know that I'm also way serious about you--  I mean it. I want this to last, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up to you each morning after falling asleep in your arms. I want to have kids with you, and raise them together... I want that dream, baby. And I want that dream to be with you, because I love you.

So I'm sorry. Please, just tell me what you want. I want you to come and visit, and I will try to help anyway I can. I just havent in the past because nothing has been concrete and my mom has been kinda shady about it all, so thats why I havent been so certain and forward about it all. And Im sorry for that, because obviously its been giving you mixed signals. But trust this signal: I love you. I want to see you, I want to spend any and every moment I can with you. And I mean that. So this is me, putting myself back out on the line, because I know I kind of kept to myself for a bit, and I'm sorry that I was being so reserved. I love you.

Call me when you want.

Saturday, July 24

I'm supposed to be at work right now...

So I was scheduled for work today from 5am to 2pm, but thats funny,its 10am and I'm at home. Interesting.

What happened is this:
Yesterday at work, I was walking and somehow I stepped wrong and kind of threw out my knee. It like came out of the socket, or something, and it hurt really bad. I shrugged it off and thought nothing of it-- the other knee has problems like that sometimes too, but it usually goes right away. Well, my knee kept hurting. And it hurt more when I walked home. And then it hurt more later. So I went to bed. But this morning when I woke up, it still really hurt. To the point that I could hardly bend it, and it was slightly swolen. So my mom drove me to work, I went in and talked to my boss and told her what happened and she told me to just do the opening stuff for the department-- the rest could be taken care of by another associate. So I did that, whilst my knee hurt, and then called my mom and had her pick me up. At 6:30 in the morning. So I get home, ice my knee, elevate it, take some advil and go back to bed. It still kind of hurts, but its a lot better. So thats good.

And thats why I'm not at work.

 
And I know I agreed to not tell you anything about my mom anymore, but I just thought I would share this: She got a job. And the only bad thing about this? She has to work the day I have to go back to school. Interesting? I think so.

And as for your post:
I'm sorry that this is driving you insane. The only consolation that I can offer you, is that in the near future, before I come back down, I will tell you what its all about, if its really that much of an issue to you. Id prefer not to, but please, just trust me on this one. I'll tell you after its ok for me to. Its all stupid and petty and I'm completely over it now, so its really all irellevant, meaning, there's no reason for you to beat yourself up over this. Seriously.

But I will tell you this much, with only the sincerest intentions of assuaging your torment, its not something you did, its not something that you said, its kind of a whole thought that I had. Its my reaction to something that you said or are doing or are going to do. And its a stupid and ridiculous reaction, but its in my nature-- as a girl, as a girlfriend, and as someone who loves you and fears losing you. But seriously, its nothing for you to worry about. Basically, its a false idea that I've created in my head, and I just need time to prove it wrong. Theres nothing you can say or do that will change this "thought," only  time will change it.

I had suggested the "no chat till monday" thing yesterday as a feeble attempt to get you to forget about this all, and also as an attempt on my behalf to take grasp of that "time" that I need. And  I had hoped that then you could focus on other aspects in your life, and wouldnt continue thinking about all this. But apparently I was wrong. I've almost completely worked through this all, and I just hope that you can trust me on the fact that you really dont need to be concerned. Its not about you, well it is but it isnt, its more about me. So if you want to talk, you can call. Otherwise, I will talk to you at a later date-- though I did make the effort to talk to you this morning already.

If you went to the secretaries and CEOs party, I hope you had fun. I hope you didnt bring your work home from the office ;) and, if you didnt go, I hope that you enjoyed your car ride home with Melvin, assuming you left last night. I hope your doctors appointment goes well, and  I hope that you can just let this go. But I'll try to understand if you cant, just as long as you try to understand that its not something really about you, and that its not something that you can change if I told you about it. (Which is why I didnt tell you. Baby, I'm not trying to "stunt" this relationship, and I would tell you in any circumstance, if there was anything that you did wrong that you could fix. This time? You cant fix it. It goes back to me needing to trust you, and you  just needing to let me work through this on my own. I love you and I'm not going to leave you. So please, just let this go.)

Have a great day and weekend. Love you.

 

 
oh, and another thing:

I returned both my sevens and my lucky jeans.
I didnt like how the luckys fit, and I didnt like the light wash on the sevens... I really just wanted the middle wash, but I dont forsee spending money on them to buy them.

But instead, I exchanged the sevens for a darker pair-- spandexy dark... similar to the color that  I already have, but makes my butt look better. So thats interesting.

Bought some new tank tops, well, one, and a long tshirt, and a sweater. Its interesting.

OH, and my other email address still gets all the friggin xanga updates, even though I've cancelled, and i usually dont read them, but today I accidentally did-- and I saw that Chris posted my muffin joke.

I thought it was odd, and was also upsetting to me.

You know what muffin joke I'm talking about. The one I tell everyone. The one that used to be in my profile. The one I'm certain, I told tim and chris and andrea as well. Fuck them all.

Have a good day.


Wednesday, July 21

My schedule

Heres more of it:

7/26 - work from 8-5
7/27 - work from 8-5
7/28 - off
7/29 - off
7/30 - work from 8-5
7/31 - work from 10-7
8/1 - work from 9-6

thats as far as I have

Sooo mature...

Im thoroughly impressed by the intense degree of maturity that you displayed just now... signing off. OOOH. That was good. Wow.

So since youre not going to listen to me otherwise, I figure you might listen this way. But right now, I really cant be sure.

This whole thing-- you and my mom fighting and not liking eachother? Yeah. It sucks. Think about it this way. You told me so many times how difficult it was on you when Melvin didn't like your girlfriends, when you felt like you had to choose between Melvin and Andrea, or Melvin and Allison. Well think of it this way. Thats exactly what you are making me do. I'm forced to entirely switch gears when I'm talking to my mom and you come up, or when I'm talking to you and my mom comes up. And I have to take sides. You thought it was hard with your best friend and your girlfriend? Try combining them. Try your bestfriend/boyfriend and your mom. Yeah, makes life tough, doesn't it. Because when I'm upset about this shit? Who do most people turn to? Their best friend. But what happens when your best friend is the one youre upset about? You turn to your mom or your next closest friend. But what happens when your mom is also involved? Then youre in my boat. Youre screwed in the ass.

Trust me. Its not a happy experience.

And you sit there, entirely confused as to why this is a tough situation. Why I am reacting as I am. Why I dont want you to send the apology letters? Because I feel like you'd just be lying. Because regardless of the situation, whether youre at fault or she is, or whether there is even a situation at all-- you dont like her. And that has been made painfully clear. So youre making this all quite difficult on me.

And for you to sit there and tell me that youre not apologizing to her because shes not apologizing to you? Well, that just makes me feel like you havent ever paid attention to anything I've ever told you about my fights with her. Think about it. With me, when shes at fault, when has she ever apologized? Still thinking? Me too. Bet you won't come up with an answer, because it doesnt happen. Thats why. And the person I thought I knew, was the kind of guy who would suck it up, and wouldnt let someone else bring them down, and would still do what was morally correct. Just like you did with Andrea. Just like what you did with Chris. Hell, just like what you did with Tim and Kyle. But what makes my mom so different? Why are you on such an entirely different level or playing an entirely different game with her? Why is that?

And its pretty shitty, if you ask me. Because if youre so into this idea of spending your life with me, as much as you have led me to believe, which, at this point, I'm hoping with all of my might that it wasnt a lie, then why the heck wouldn't you make that gesture? Why would you do it for other people who are so inconsequential in our lives, in your life, but you wont do it for the person who is somewhat important? Fuck, if youre going to marry me, youre going to have to deal with my mom. And burning that bridge now isnt the way you get to that place. Im sorry. And so maybe now its all a big no, and youre feeling like this is all a big mistake. Well, if thats the case, then please, let me know. Let me know so I can plan accordingly. So I wont keep my hopes up for a happy life. So that I wont have to keep telling myself every night that I wont be so sad because one day soon, everything will be happy again, becasue Ill be with you. Please, just tell me know, so that I can start trying to tell myself that.

Because you may not see this as a big deal to you, but to me, its giant.

 

Tuesday, July 20

Man do I miss you...

Hi baby,
I woke up this morning so sad because I had had this amazing  dream about you and I, and our future and it ended with me crawling into bed with you and falling asleep with my head on your shoulder. Absolutely perfect. But when I woke up, I almost expected for you to be there, and then when you weren't, I was sad. Oh well.
 
I can't wait for that day to come. I really miss all the stupid simple things the most, I think.
 
You know, its kind of funny, that when I am home (SJ) I can't stand being in the house all day, let alone all the time. But when I am really home (with you), I don't mind it one single bit. And I love that. I love that I feel so safe, so comfortable, so happy when its just the two of us, that I am completely unaware of our surroundings and dont mind wasting the day away with you, just lying in bed or watching tv on the couch. I love that. Oh man, September 1st can't come soon enough.
 
After we hung up last night, I couldn't stop thinking about our call, and I started to feel bad, because I couldn't tell if you were serious or not. (You know what part I'm talking about,) and I don't quite know why I'm "dwelling" on it, but I am. Every part of me tells me that you weren't serious because I can remember last summer, late nights on the phone, and both of us wanting to say "I love you" for the first time, but you saying, "I want to say something to you, but its not something that should be said over the phone because its too important. I want to say it to you in person." And thats why I don't believe it. Because if you won't say "I love you" the first time on the phone, why the heck would you propose on it? lol. So every logical part of me says its not real, but every illogical part of me (namley my heart,) says it is. And I dunno if its because I am so excited for our future together, or if its because I'm just uncertain about some of the things you say because I feel like I can't read you right, or if it's simply because all of this is just so good that I fear its going to be "too good to be true." And I know this all drives you insane-- the fact that some of the time youre unable to assuage my fears, or that you feel like I don't believe you, or that I doubt you or your feelings. But know this-- I don't. I believe you, and I love you, and I know that all of this is real. Its just so good, even despite the distance and the headache and the heartache of being without eachother, its still so good. And that just amazes me each and every day. I wake up in a stupor, but still feel like I'm dreaming. You're amazing. This is amazing. And I am so lucky to have you and your love in my life.
 
There's an old saying that says "what the mind doesn't understand, the heart does," and until I met you, I never understood that. I never could figure out why life couldn't always be logical, why you couldn't reason things out for an eternal amount of time. I had reasoned out that you and I were not dating because we were better as friends. I had reasoned out that what Chris had shown me was love and not just a supreme opportunity for him. I had reasoned out that my dad and my grandpa died so that I might be able to make room in my heart for others, and I  had reasoned out that life was solid. There was birth, there was life, then in the end, there was death; and that all the things in between were inconsequential. That they were essentially irrelevant, and that love and happiness was a mere accessory to the obligatory elements of life. But somehow all of that changed. In the course of two years (well, to get technical, 1 year 11 months,) I've learned that all of those things were wrong, well not completely wrong, but they certainly were not concrete nor unalterable, and that the heart is capable of just as many amazing things as the mind is-- only their actions are on an entirely different spectrum.
 
Looking back at all of this, it kind of makes me laugh. That how I thought before is such a rigid and nearly scientific approach to life-- yet, at that time, I still wanted to be a writer. How could I have posisbly been a writer if I had no heart? If I showed no compassion, and if I felt nothing. My Jr Honors Lit teacher, Mrs. Bolton once told me, that "writing does not come from the mind, but instead it is pure emotion flowing down through the fingertips, straight from the heart," and that a good writer sits down and doesn't think about what they are writing, but instead just lets it all come out. I always found that interesting, and I suppose now, I find it true.
 
So I know that as usual, I'm rambling on again. But its all somewhat amazing to me. This whole situation, this whole way of living, and the fact that I no longer feel this intense shroud of doubt hovering over me. That for once in my life, I know things are right. That I can trust what you say, what you feel, even what I feel. And that amazes me. And to some degree, it scares the shit out of me too, because I don't even want to start to think about what I would do if something happened to you, if somehow all of this changed-- for the worse, or if you changed your mind and found someone else or something like that. And I know right now, if I was saying this to you in person, you would tell me in a reassuring tone that nothings going to happen and youre not going to change your mind, and I know that. I know that in my heart. Its just that sometimes my head takes over and I start to think, and I start to wonder and I start to doubt. Thats why last night I acted how I did, and thats why I didn't believe you. Because this is all just so good, that I can't believe it just keeps getting better. Just when I think its hit the top, it breaks through the roof and goes soaring up into the sky. Its that good.
 
So I guess the point of this all, is that I love you, and I'm sorry for questioning you, and I wish I could tell how serious you were last night, because regardless of the severity or whatnot, my answer to that question, will always be yes. If it ever gets asked-- or if it already was. lol.
 
I love you. I just need to start trusting my heart more, rather than my head. Give me a little more time, or another kiss or another night in your arms, and I swear, I'll only feel with you, instead of thinking. (Well Ill think too, but you know what I mean.) LOVE YOU.

Sunday, July 18

how interesting...

So Reid IMed me today, and started talking to me about random stuff... work, you, demetria, blah bla... and then he brings it up again... the whole he-and-I-and-the-past shit... and probes me on who knows and who ive told. Seriously, why cant that kid get over it? Ugh. And so he says, "well i thought you were the one who didnt want me saying anything about anything, let alone letting red know..." and I said, "I really dont think this is a good convo for us to have, and from what I remember you were the one who didnt want me saying anything to anyone-- especially 'red'..." how quickly he forgets.

 

 

I dunno, found it interesting.

 

I have a migraine. BOOOOO

I miss you and I hope your drive went well.

OH, and tell me what your post on only1wd at polyblogs is about... I commented on it, but you never responded. Im really curious.

 

I LOVE YOU!!

Saturday, July 17

I know...

Its so funny (well not funny haha, but funny interesting,) that we both know precisely what our problem is when we fight, but somehow we are both completely inept at fixing it. And its nothing against you, and everything against me, because I don't think that I facilitate that solution-- due to my mom.
 
I just love you so much, and I'm so sorry for all of this. Us fighing and arguing and disrupting our relaxation. (haha)
 
Sorry baby.
 
I LOVE YOU

Friday, July 16

Hi baby.

I miss you.
 
A lot.
 
And I miss talking to you, but I'm afraid to call because I'm worried you're still upset with me, even though I dont know why we are "fighting" or whatever it is this is. Lately, it feels like we fight more than we dont.
 
I wish that would stop.
 
I miss you. I miss us. And I miss the man I fell in love with, because I know that this time apart is changing you and affecting you, just as it is changing and affecting me.
 
I feel like I'm becoming more of a "hard" person, like I'm less compassionate or just always borderline irritated. And I think that rubs off on you, or you feel the same or I dont even know anymore. I  hate not knowing, I hate not being able to read you, and i hate not being able to see you or your expressions or your face, because thats when I know youre serious or not-- its in your eyes. And when I can't see you, when I can't look into your eyes and see the man I love, I feel like I dont know you as well as I should-- even, that I don't know myself as well as I should.
 
And its killing me.

I wish

I wish I understood you. I wish I knew what was going on in your head. I wish that I knew what went wrong earlier or hell, even what happened. But most of all, I wish that I was with you. And I wish that we didn't keep up with this stupid run around, where we hang up in a huff. Whether its you, or whether its me (which I think it usually is,) its tough on us both (I think,) and I just want this time apart to be over. Because when I think about it, even when we were with eachother 24 hours of the day, we didnt fight like this. We didnt get upset with eachother over stupid and petty things. And we didn't let the other person get away with shit like this.
 
I want to go back to that time. Or better yet, I want to make that our future. Where this crap doesnt happen, where you dont get ticked with me over dumb stuff, and I don't get ticked with you over equally dumb stuff.
 
I just want us back. The way we used to be. Happy and in love. Not this depressed crap where we are counting the moments back into eachothers sight. But instead, where we are counting the moments that we are together, ecstatic for each one.
 
3 months is coming up. How shitty is that, that its our second "anniversary" that we won't get to spend together. Yes, aren't I optimistic.
 
I hate it.
 
I hate being without you.
 
But most of all, I hate missing you. I hate not having you (not as in a posession, but you know what I mean,) and I hate not fixing this all the moment it breaks.
 
All the tools and stuff in Home Depot couldn't fix this. The only thing that can, is distance removed. But in order for that to be achieved, is for time to speed up and erase this void between us. How many more days is it?
 
Thats too many, if you ask me.

Hate it...

There are so many things in life I dread. So many things I hate. But something that tops the list, is obviously feeling left out and doing something wrong. Knowing that what I did was wrong, and not knowing why I did it.
 
Also, the feeling that I get when I read something that just hurts. I dont quite know why it hurts, but I just hate hypocrites. I dunno.
 
Thats all I have for now, and I know it makes no sense at all. Sorry.
 
 
 
Talk to you tomorrow, maybe, if you want to. I dunno if you do after today.

Thursday, July 15

I hope youre doing well

I just wanted to say hi and good night since I probably won't get to talk to you tonight, because by the time you get home I'll already be in bed asleep. Stupid work. By the way, below (like at the bottom below,) is my work schedule since you said you wanted it.
 
I started thinking about something a little bit earlier, and I dunno, I guess I just wanted to write it down. So youre my victim and you get to read it. Sorry.
 
Its amazing how  life can change in a heartbeat. How with one breath, a baby can be born and change the world in some shape or form. How a kiss can alter a life, and how one simple word can change someone's day. I feel like I take a lot of things in the world for granted, like how lucky I am, even despite all of the chaos that erupts at home. Because the truth of it all, is that I am pretty lucky. I have a mom that loves me (even though we fight, I know she does,) an amazing boyfriend, a nice home, a cat thats insane, some pretty good friends, a job, enough money that I dont have to worry about if I'm going to be able to eat tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, and enough clothes for a small country, and a bunch of other things. So when you look at it, I'm pretty lucky. But there are so many times that I just completely disregard that and can only seem to see the things that I lack, rather than the things that I have. Like my dad. Or my grandpa.
 
But it amazed me, sitting here and thinking about all of this. That if I hadn't kissed you that night, we probably wouldn't be where we are right now. That if I hadn't done the miniscule things that I've done in the past, my life would be different today, and so would someone else's. Its amazing to think that you impact the  lives of another  on a regular basis. That because of something that you did, someone's life is different. Whether its just saying hello, or its telling someone you love them. Somehow, that action changed their life.
 
I can only hope that the change I make upon others is good.
 
Anyways, thats me rambling... once again.
 
Sorry about earlier and the whole "sleeping" thing... I'm so beat. Friggin dead tired. Ugh, just come and snuggle with me, and lets go back to bed.
 
 
Love you lots baby. Sorry for going to bed so early.
 
 
 
 
~Mi horario~ (my schedule)
7/16 - 5am to 2pm, lunch at 9
7/17 - 5am to 2pm, lunch at 9
7/18 - 6am to 3pm, lunch at 10
7/19 - 5am to 2pm, lunch at 9
7/20 - 9pm to 11pm, no lunch
7/21 - off
7/22 - 5am to 1130am, lunch from 9 to 930
7/23 - 5am to 2pm, lunch at 9
7/24 - 5am to 2pm, lunch at 9
7/25 - 6am to 3pm, lunch at 10
I'll let you know more as I get it.

I miss you...

So you know how today I told you that I missed you a lot?
 
Well I wasn't kidding.
 
Work was long and hard, and my whole body is absolutely aching from working too much. My hands are so sore and rough and I am just all over in pain. But somehow, thinking of you still brings light to my face, even amidst all the dirt and grime that comes with work, and somehow the mere thought of you eases the pain in my body. . Now I know that this sounds totally dorky and stupid and well, I dunno maybe lame and hard to believe, but trust me. Its so true.
 
I dont know why I miss you so much more than normal today, and why on today of all days I feel like this. Why I somehow can't think of all  of those dreams of the future that I usually have (you know what I mean, the marriage, the kids the whole shebang,) but I can for sure, remember all of the good times. I can remember what it feels like to kiss you. I can remember what its like to be wrapped up in your arms. I can remember what it feels like to wake up to your smile, and I can remember what its like to see you and hear you say "I love you" to me. And because it all has happened before, and the familiar becomes so vague and so distant, I can not remember a time where I have missed you more. A time where I thought I saw you walking towards me when I closed my eyes. A time where I was hopeful that you would be sitting on my doorstep when I got home from work to surprise me. A time where I have never missed you so much.
 
Its so funny, all of this, because I get these intense cravings. Its like I'm a pregnant woman (no worries, I'm not... its a figure of speech. Keep reading before you pass out,) where I crave these amazing things. But instead of pickles and ice cream, I'm feeling this intense craving for you. This strong urge within me where every aspect of my body begins to grumble and I can only think of it. And the only thing that I want more than I can even imagine is you. Now I know you say youre not an object or a prize or something to be had. But baby, I want to have you right now. I just want to see you. To touch you. To feel your skin. And this desire, this longing, this aching is making me go insane. Absolutely insane. Not that I wasn't already.
 
So whether its September that I see you next, or August or July (doubtful,) I can't wait. Im serious. I really can not wait. September cannot come any sooner, and I hope once it is September,  that it goes by so slow. That we are able to cherish and savor every moment that we have together. Every second. Every heartbeat. Oh how I miss listening to your heartbeat.
 
And every day that I get one of your adorable blue letters (I've begun looking for those envelopes in the stack of mail we get every day. I swear, my face lights up when I see one,) I miss you  just a little bit more. Because to me, it seems like inside each letter, is a promise for the future. Whether its talking about going to Catalina (definite yes,) or to San Diego to see your sister (also a yes,) I get totally excited. Absolutely antsy. I think about driving from your house in HB to the pier in the Jeep, and then getting on a boat with you and going to Catalina. I think about us driving along the coast together, holding hands, trying to not get caught staring at eachother while we drive. And I think about packing my bag to go with you, putting my jeans in (sevens of course,) my white skirt, my other little skirt that you love and a swimsuit, and being ready to go. I think about coming back to SB and sleeping next to you. Feeling you breathe. Watching you while you sleep, and then in the morning you making fun of me because I'm still so tired (I'm only tired because I was up half the night watching you sleep because I love it. I love seeing you so content and peaceful.) and I love how you always want me to make you pancakes or some form of breakfast in the morning, and most of the time we never get around to it, because by the time we get out of bed, its lunch. Then instead of pancakes, you want falafels. Haha. But I love every minute of it. Every second. Every moment of time that I'm with you.
 
And its funny, because in this time apart, I'm even beginning to love the moments that I spend thinking about you. Even if they do make me sad and make me long for you even more.
 
And I love that. I love being able to feel that way. I love how you make me feel. And I love that there is an us, and an us to look forward to, and an us to reflect upon and remember.
 
But most of all,
 
I love you.
 
 
 
Oh, and I totally miss you. :)

Wednesday, July 14

hi...

I'm sorry.

Tuesday, July 13

I love you

Hey baby. I just wanted to say hi...

and tell you how much I miss you.

Wow Im getting repetitive... I say that all the time.

So in a few minutes my mom and I are going to our stupid appointment again... with Dr.Preston... we will see what she brings up today and how much trouble I get into. I wonder if she will throw in the "anorexic" card. Who knows.

So later I will try to send you a pict of me in my jeans to see if you like them or not. Theyre a bit higher than my sevens but I think you might like my butt. Who knows. Alright well im gonna get going. I was hoping to talk to you before I left, but I dont think you will be back in time. :(


LOVE YOU

Thursday, July 8

I love you

I miss you so much... just thought I'd let you know, because Im sure you didn't already know that...

Tuesday, July 6

All I can offer you.

I find all of this absolutely abhorrent. I can’t stand it when we fight, let alone to this point. And I can’t stand it when I’m still pissed.

I suggested what I did, simply because it hurts me so bad each day that I am not with you, that I don’t know if knowing there’s no us would hurt more. Every day that I wake up, it feels like more and more of me is missing. I go through my days, completely absent minded, oblivious, and impersonal. And on days like today, the only thing that echoes through my head is our arguments. Your pissed off voicemail from earlier. All of these things make it all just so much worse. And then we talk. And the tension level hits the roof, because you’re upset about who knows what and I’m upset about something else, and we just take our frustrations out upon each other. And its making me physically sick. Between all of this with my mom, and all of this with you, I’m getting sick. And I haven’t told you because I know it will just give you something more to worry about (sure, get pissed off at me, but there’s lots of things you withhold from me, so I think we are in the clear,) and I know you worrying will just affect your blood pressure, your attitude, and will just make you more depressed. I’m down to 123 on weight. That’s 8 or 9 pounds since I’ve left Santa Barbara. I’m constantly dizzy and fatigued, and I’m totally depressed. So things aren’t so great up here either.

And I know you feel like life is shitty down there, but seriously, its not. You are in a beautiful place, you are lucky enough to be learning at a good school, you have a family that loves you, a girlfriend that adores you (not that that matters, or so it seems,) and you are free to do essentially what you want. The doors are open. All you have to do is walk through them, and see all of the opportunities that await you. But I can’t push you through that door. I can’t make you see all of this. I can’t make you do anything. It’s not that I want to control you or make you do something, but I do just want to make you happy. And I just keep failing.

So I’ve failed. It’s not the first time. I’ve gotten “F’s” before, and I’ve failed in many relationships. But never before has it meant so much to me as all of this. And it hurts even more knowing I can’t do a damn thing about it. So I don’t know what to tell you. We’re both at a stalemate, waiting for the other person to make the next move. The only problem is, both sides are out of moves.

I’m sick of being optimistic. I’m sick of trying to see the bright side of it all, and I’m sick of trying to cheer you up and myself at the same time. It just isn’t working anymore, because I can’t keep smiling for both of us; when it’s eating me up inside. I can’t hold in the tears anymore because I’m trying to be strong. So I give up. I guess I’m letting the heartache win, instead of the heart-warm.

I don’t want to be Andrea. I don’t want all of this to turn into your relationship with Andrea, and I don’t see how it could be, because in my eyes at least, I thought we had so much more. But apparently you don’t see that. You can’t see that. And I don’t know why. I don’t know how all of these miles can put such a haze upon things, how it can make it so difficult for you to see how good things are for us—even hours away. And I don’t know what I can do to make you see it, because each thing I try, just seems to hurt you more than before. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want to make you suffer, or piss you off, or enrage you. Because each time you get hurt, I hurt too.

So I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what else to offer you. Now, everything is on the table. You can choose what you want.

Either, wait it out and keep your chin up. Or walk away and find someone new and leave me behind. Its up to you. And like I told you before, I don’t like the idea of us breaking up. Never will. But if it’s what you decide (even though you say you could never do it,) then I will support you. Because that’s what I do. That’s what I love to do, even amidst it all, even amidst the worst decision ever, I would support you. Because that’s how much I care. So I don’t know what else to say. So I’m done. When you figure something out, be sure to let me know—my decision is already made. Until then, this is the last thing I’m going to say.

I dont know

I dont know what you want from me, what you want from us, what I can do to make this better or easier on you or anything like that. I give up.

Honestly, I give up.

Do what will make things easiest for you. If that means breaking up with me, then fine. Do it. I dont like seeing you suffer, I dont like seeing you hurt, and if you will endure less pain without me in your life, then fine. I just dont know what else to offer you or to suggest or to give. I cant give any more than what I already have... my heart, my body, my soul and my spirit. Im sorry.

Per our “argument” earlier…

So I’m going to talk about what happened earlier, or what didn’t happen, or whatever you want to call it, but it’s not ok with me.

Now the whole, “I love you” thing. The reason why I say it so often is for a variety of reasons: one, being that’s how I feel. I do love you, but I’d hope you know or knew that by now. The second, is because I was always taught that you always say “I love you” to those people you love in each conversation, because you never know if it could be the last time you speak to them. I know that’s a quite morbid and sad thought, but it’s how I was raised. I understand that you may not feel the same way, so I’m sorry for pushing it upon you and making you feel obligated. So I’ll stop.

The other thing about earlier is probably something you will disagree with, and will probably be a little irritated with, but I’m still going to say it, because it happens all the time. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Melvin, I think he’s a great guy and an awesome friend to you, and I am in no way asking you to alter your friendship in any way (nor would I ever,) but I just wanted to bring something to your attention, so that maybe next time you’re more aware. So here it is: your behavior and attitude drastically changes (towards me at least,) when you are around him. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that, to me at least, you are much more sarcastic and stern, and seem to take offense to jokes more easily. It’s almost like you’re constantly on edge when you are around him, which is fine, but I always feel like I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not (like when you are upset with me,) when you’re around him. Honestly. I can’t tell. Now you can take that however you’d like, and say that it’s because I don’t know you well enough or some other shit like that, but the truth of the matter is you act differently. And from what I’ve noticed, we tend to “hang up” more on edge with each other when you are with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Melvin rocks, but I’m just telling you how it feels and what it’s like for me. I know guys (generally) are different around other guys, especially best friends, and that’s totally cool. But that’s why I shut down around him (you’ve asked me in the past why,) or around you when you’re with him—it’s because I kind-of feel attacked by you. So I don’t know if the logical thing to do about this, is for me to just keep “shutting down” when we are all together, or to not call and talk to you when you guys are hanging out, or what. I don’t know what you want me to do. But it just feels like you’re always on edge, or you don’t want to talk to me (which is fine, I totally understand,) or that you are just busy or something. Whatever it is, I just feel like I always get the brunt of it, and somehow we end up in an argument over stupid shit because either you’re irritated with me, my behavior, or you’re just trying to be “hard” around Melvin. Whatever it is, it’s cool. Just let me know how I can fix it, so you’re not upset with me, and we don’t end up arguing.

Because, believe it or not, I don’t like arguing— I’d really rather not. But I understand that is sometimes out of control. I just hope we can work to lessen it, because it feels like we have been arguing a lot lately over stupid petty stuff. Like today. So that’s my piece. I’d like to know your response, so let me know. Sorry if I hit a nerve or am just perpetually irritating.

Monday, July 5

Is it working?

My posts havent been showing up? Can you see them? Comment or something and let me know. Love you

A thought for another time...

I had this whole post in my mind that I wanted to write, about how today, being around so many people who's lives were so screwed but they didnt even know it, had such an impact on me and made me realize how lucky I truly am, but I'm working on a migraine and I'm pretty tired, so I might not write it.


Who am I kidding.
My head never hurts so much that I can't write.


Alright so here I go:

So I'm sitting in this training room, with 24 other people, most of them over the age of 35, a few kids our age (like 10 max)... between 18 and 25ish, and most of them so content to be working for Home Depot... this is the best job they've ever had, and probably will have for a long time. Myself, and one other person, a man whos around 50 who was a mechanical engineer and a pilot for Delta but got laid off because of the 9/11 thing, are the only ones in the room who have any form of college education-- my trainer included.

So when we go around the room, talking about why we are working at Home Depot, I say "its my summer job, and maybe my job for during the school year when I go back in September. But until then, its a good way to work with people and make some money." And they ask where I go to school, so I tell them. And then my turn is up.

But at lunch, I was approached by probably 80% of the group, asking me abotu school, telling me how lucky I was to get to go to college. And then it hit me. Most of these people were kids who maybe graduated from high school, were stay at home moms who had no education other than high school, and were seriously relying upon this $9.20 an hour to live. Can you imagine that?

Like, I know this is a great way for me to make cash, to live in my apartment for next year, but I also know that its not my only opportunity for the rest of my life. Whereas, it was for some of these people. This was it for them. The lady sitting next to me, who also worked at my store, told me about how shes worked at Safeway, Target, Radio Shack and a bunch of other places like that-- and how her husband got arrested this weekend for a DUI. His third one. She has a two year old, and can barely afford to keep him in day care, at $145 a week. Can you imagine? My sevens were a week of childcare.

I can't honestly imagine living paycheck to paycheck like that... sure I know that sometimes I bitch abotu money. Okay a lot of the time. But I also know that I bitch now, because later on I probably wont have to, because I'll certainly be making enough money doing whatever I decide to do, to sustain myself, and my family and whatever else I need-- or want, for that matter.

And it all kind of just made me really thankful. For everything. For you, for how lucky I have been in life, how blessed I have been, for my mom (even though most of the time I want to strangle her and run away, I still do love her. I figure, it wouldnt be so hard if I didnt care so much. But we arent going to go into that...) and for everything that I have been given.

Here, Im sitting there,bitchy about the fact that my mom had to drive me to my training, where I make a considerable amount more than minimum wage, where I applied to a total of 3 places and really didnt pursue any of them all that adamantly, where all of these other people had been looking for work upwards of 6 months, some of them at Home Depot for as long, and I'm sitting here complaining that I didnt get to drive myself.

Pretty spoiled I'd say.


So I just want to take this moment to thank you. Thanks for enriching my life so much. Thanks for always being there for me. Thanks for loving me, and thanks for helping me grow as a person.


Oh, and thanks for the jeans that could have been a week of childcare for some poor woman. Thanks for spoiling me.


I love you.


But it all just makes you think, doesn't it?



OH, and makes me laugh, because the weird 20 year old kid who was hitting on me... totally has no game, and is utterly disgusting... somehow he was talking about piercings and asked if I had any and I said yes, my ears and my stomach. And he turned to me (and youre really going to want to kill him now,) "you really should think about getting your nipples or your clit (eew) pierced... its totally hot for guys. I'm sure you'd land a bunch that way."



ICK! I dont need to land any guy... I've got the only guy I could ever want. (and yes, i actually said that.)

I love you. I hope the drive went well, and I hope Melvin made it off safe. Love you!

Sunday, July 4

dorky dorky me

So I dont know why I religiously check your sites to see if youve posted, because chances are, you havent. So then I end up checking my site to see if anything has been posted and end up laughing at myself. Because obviously, nothing new has been posted on my site, since I havent written anything. And once its been written its not new anymore, because I already know what has been said.

Oh what a dork I am.

Love you.

Happy Fourth, baby!


We'll celebrate the fourth on Sept 1st, when we get to make some fireworks of our own! HAHA. How dorky am I?

Happy 4th...

Happy 4th baby. I love you. I wish we were spending the holiday together, but I know we have lots of 4th of July's to spend together in the future. :)

I love you!

Saturday, July 3

My response...

I dont expect anything from you, and you know that.

So for right now, I've got nothing.

sigh

I'm just disheartened by it all. I guess I'll get going and make myself productive for the day... cleaning and weeding and being my mom's "helper."

Love you, I hope you have a great day, and maybe if I'm lucky Ill get to talk to you later when youre not so busy.

Its weird...

I dont know why, but I think its weird, that you and I haven't been talking as much as we used to. Yes, we still talk an ample amount, but its usually all online. I miss hearing your voice, and listening to your voicemails over and over again is getting a little old. I just love you so much.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend at home, very rested and very enjoyable. I'm glad Melvin went home too, then maybe you guys can have some fun and you won't be so sad. :)

I love you!

Friday, July 2

Ikea...

So I hope this doesn't hurt, but I teared up today when my mom and I went to Ikea. Yeah, I know, it sounds weird, but here's why. Everywhere I turned, I thought of you. I saw your desk. I saw your dishes. The bamboo plants. I thought about how I wanted to go to Ikea with you in LA and we have never gotten the chance. I thought about you and I shopping together for furniture in the future, for a home of our own. And I thought about us in Crate & Barrell in SF, looking at beds, talking about colors and styles and dishes and things like that. And every bed I saw, every thing I saw, I thought of you. Wondering what it would be like to sleep with you in it, what you would think if I got this desk or that chair or whatever. And I thought about us. I couldn't help it, but it got so bad that I felt tears swelling in my eyes, because I miss you that much.

Now I know that earlier I talked to you about how both of us being in this "rut" isnt conducive to our mental health, but not thinking about you and us and everything that we have and everything that we have shared, isn't conducive for my heart. So I take it back. I just get so disheartened and discouraged when I know there's nothing that I can do, yet I'm the only one who can do anything at all. And that's why I get upset. That's why I get snippy. Its because I love you, and because I miss you, and because when you tell me how much you miss me, it hurts. Not because it hurts that you miss me, but because I can't be there for you. I hate not being there with you. Not kissing you goodbye before you leave for class. Not distracting you while you try and study for your midterms. Not "clearing your mind" before your exams, and not dropping you off at your tests. I miss us laughing under muffled voices as we hear Reid and Demetria downstairs, and I miss your constant enthusiasm for "doing it on the kitchen counter" or on the couch, or anywhere. I miss everything. But most of all, I miss you. I miss the way that your hand feels upon my face, the way that your fingers run through my hair, the way that you rub my body while you sleep, even though you're totally snoring-passed-out. I miss absolutely everything. I miss arguing about shishkabobs and how they're put on skewers, I miss going to the grocery store with you and laughing as I want to buy onions and tomatoes and you tell me that you won't eat them. I miss you constantly trying to spoil me (not because I should be spoiled, but because you get this adorable little twinkle in your eye when you get an idea, especially when that idea concerns me,) and I miss trying to distract you and make you forget about the idea by kissing you.

I hate how I can sit here and remember everything so clearly, like its happening right now, but when I open my eyes, I'm still sitting here alone in my room, hundreds of miles away from you. And I loathe having to be optimistic all the time, always having to see the glass as "half-full" when I really could give a rats ass about the glass, and want to throw it off the counter and make love to you right there instead. And I miss seeing you laugh, hearing you laugh, feeling your chest heave in and out when you are entirely content. I just miss you. I miss us. And I hate missing. I hate knowing what I could have, what I could be having, knowing that it's mine to have, but still not getting it.

Sometimes, I just feel like a horse with a carrot dangled in front of him. Always there, but always out of reach. Ugh. I just can't wait for the summer to be over. For it to be September, where we can spend a whole month just goofing off with eachother, taking random trips to wherever we want, going on picnics at the lake, staying in bed till one in the afternoon, and never seeming to be able to get enough of eachother.

But until that day comes, I'm just going to have to wait. To live on phone calls and messages, to fill my days with dreams and memories, and knowing that each moment that passes is another moment that I'm closer to you. Closer to us. Us, the way it was, the way it should be, and the way it is. I miss you.

I hate this.

I hate knowing that you and I end our conversations in fights because we both are so discouraged and disturbed by the fact that we can't be with eachother. And I hate that you're so upset about it because you dont like being at home and hearing Reid and Demetria ooh and aaah about the fact that they get to spend the weekend together. I just wish that it wasnt such a powerless situation, that it didnt feel so helpless. I just wish that you would try to be more optimistic. That you would understand that yes, this is hard, but by dwelling on it, we only make it harder. And that this is just as tough on me as it is on you-- where you have no one there, I have my mom fighting with me all the time. Its a smiliar feeling of lonliness, it just looks a little different.

So I ask you to do this for me. To do this for us . Please, try. Please look on the bright side, and instead of counting the days that you're alone, count the days until we are together. Count the days that I've told you that I love you. Count the memories that we have made with eachother, and all of the dreams that we have shared. Think of the happiness instead of the saddness. Please, just do that for me, if you won't do it for yourself. Please. I love you.

Something that I have learned.

So this is probably going to be a long and semi-serious post, so I'm warning you before you read it.

Before I met you, and up until just recently I had given up all hope in religion, in god, in faith, and well, hope in general. I had felt so betrayed by life after my grandpa died that I was certain that there was no "divine power" in life, and that what happens is what happens. You get screwed in life, and I saw no opportunity for a person or a series of events to change or excel. I saw what happened as one of the worst things that I could fathom, and so I did what I always do when things get out of control. I shut down. In the midst of a chapel filled with bishops and priests and various members of relgious clergy speaking on behalf of their peer, my grandpa, I lost my faith. I lost any and every avenue for hope when he died, and I saw no way to get it back. I looked upon god as a mere image, an idealized creature that somehow took a firm hold on the minds and spirits of millions. And I laughed. I laughed at the fact that I could be so foolish as to believe that there was someone out there, or something out there controlling the universe, making certain that you weren't given any more than you could handle. That idea in itself made me laugh, because I certainly could not handle losing my grandpa. And it is still something that is incredibly difficult for me, and still brings tears and strong emotion to my eyes and to my spirit at the thought.

So for years, all of this stuck with me. That I had been let down by so many people in so many ways, including god, including faith, and including my grandpa. And that terrified me. And then when I found out how my dad really died, that just worsened the pain. I felt betrayed once again, and I felt manipulated. So I shut down again. I decided to never look again at religion or at god, or any of that stuff that came with it all. And I was doing alright with that.

That is, until I met you.

I think you are the first person, aside from my grandpa (who I think would have really loved you, and you would have really liked... I think you two are very similar in many aspects, and to some degree thats startling (im not trying to freak you out,) but its also very comforting to me as well,) who has embraced religion so passionately, and so personally, but hasnt embellished their faith into every aspect of their life so that it becomes stifling. Neither one of you were extremely adamant about attending mass every Sunday. Yes, I know you like to attend, and I know he did too, but I also know that you both feel as though you can practice your faith outside of the walls of a church. And that is what is different. And though your faith may be predominant in your life, you don't discriminate against anyone who is not the same way.

So let me get to the point of this post. What I've wanted to tell you but I dont know when to say it, or how to say it. So since we both know I'm better at writing then at speaking, I'm just going to keep on writing.

Your views n your faith, and our late night talks about god and religion and everything in between has helped me look into myself and see what I have given up on. I hadn't just given up on god and on religion, but on myself as well. And you've helped me see that. Now I dont quite know what impact I anticipate this all having upon you, but I just wanted to share all of this with you.

I wanted to share with you how what you have shared with me has affected me so dramatically. How your love, your faith, your compassion, has helped me to re-examine my life and all that is expected from me, and what I expect from it.

Now I feel so dorky and hokey saying this, but I've learned to welcome faith back into my life. Not for you, not for my grandpa, but for me. Because I know that though it may not be strong, its something that can make you as a person stronger. And I know its something that would have made my grandpa proud.

I'm a strong believer in signs and symbols, and the day that you and I went to mass and the pastor gave the sermon about looking for things in life that you had left behind, and for seeing symbols and understanding messages, I realized that was my message. That is what I was supposed to hear, after almost 4 years, and that was what was supposed to help me become a better person. And I have you to thank for that, both indirectly and directly. I thank you for taking me to church that Sunday, for not making me go but for taking me with you. I thank you for talking to me about all of this when I feel the need to talk. I thank you for not judging me based on my beliefs, and I thank you for being patient through the almost two years I have known you.

Patience.

Patience is something that comes difficult for both of us, when we both know what we want and know how it feels to have that thing (or person,) and to know that we have to wait. But I also know that patience doesn't kill you. Patience may be a pest, and it may be difficult to come by, but its also something that can, in time, (haha patience,) make you stronger. It will make us stronger. I have faith.

And I can remember something that so many people have said before, and something that is so over used, but its also something that my grandma read at my grandpa's funeral, and it was also read at their wedding, only it was read by him then. About love, and about patience. And though its over done, it still has meaning-- even in this time.

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

~ 1 Corinthians 13 ~


And I know that because what we have is love, and what we have is true, that we will both be able to be patient, despite the fact that we don't want to be. But just know that if it is here now, it will always be here.


And I just realized that all of this kind of doesnt really make sense, it kind of just runs together. But here's my point.

It is because of you that I have re-discovered my faith in god and faith in general. It is because of you that I am able to know what love is, and it is because of this love that we will be able to endure this time apart, because our love will remain. And I thank you for helping me see all of this, for helping me move on in my mourning of my grandpa. Though it happened a while ago, I still have not completely come to terms with it, simply because it hurts me far too much to think about it all. But I hope that through all of this, that I will be able to.

So, thank you. And I'm sorry if this kind of went on and on, and makes no sense. If you have any questions or want to talk to me about it, you know you can. But thank you for helping me grow, and become a stronger person. Thank you. You have changed me and my life forever, and every moment that I spend with you or know you is another moment that you have improved and impacted my life with. I love you.

Its so frustrating.

I dont think you understand how frustrating it is to me when you are so down on yourself and i know its my fault. And when I try to help you be optimistic, because yes this blows, but we cant do anything about it, so we might as well make the best of it, you just shut me down.

I want for nothing more than to make you happy. To make you smile. But lately, it feels like its a hopeless and helpless endeavor, and that nothing will make you happy. I fear that if we do see eachother, that once we are away again, youll be even more down than you already are. Thats what I'm afraid of. And I know you say not to fear and all of that, but when youre like this, I can't help it.

I love you too much to sit back and watch you punish yourself, and make yourself suffer and endure this. But I dont know what else I can do.

how sad

so i sign on to say goodnight to you, and youre not online.

Well, nite nite, and good luck tomorrow on your test. I love you

Thursday, July 1

Guess how much I love you...

I love you so much that its unfathomable. That's how much.


I keep thinking about the last time that I saw you, and it makes me so sad, because I keep remembering how I had to walk away from you when you were out in the parking lot. How I tried so hard to not cry, but I just couldnt hold it in. How I didnt want to let go of you, and how I didnt want to go upstairs and get back in my bed all alone. How when I got back in bed, I couldnt stop crying because I wanted to be in your arms so bad. How I tried to not call and tell you that I missed you 5 seconds after you left. And then I think about the last night we were together. Making love to you before we fell asleep in eachother's arms. How I woke up in the night and watched you sleep, and how I wanted that moment to last for forever. And it makes me sad, because it makes me miss you that much more. But in a way, it also makes me happy, because it reminds me of how amazing it will be to be with you again. How I know I won't want to go to sleep the first night we are back together, because I'll be afraid that if I close my eyes it will all go away and I'll be back in San Jose away from you. But I'll know that I'll end up being so comfortable lying there in your arms that I'll fall asleep anyways, occasionally waking up to make sure that its real. But I'm so excited for that day to come. To be able to feel like I'm complete again, because I'll finally have my other half. Man do I miss you. More and more with each passing moment. I love you sweetie.


61 more days. Is it really that many? Ugh. We can do it. I love you.

So I'm a total dork...

Im sitting on the couch talking with my mom a few minutes ago about buying new jeans for work, since I have to wear jeans and a polo shirt (basically) to work, and she asked me what size jeans I needed, because she had seen a pair that I might like. So I told her, and then it dawned on me that I told her the wrong size and then I thought about it. None of this makes any sense to you but I thought it was funny because I had been telling you the wrong size too. Oh well.

But anyways, the moral of the story is I think I get to buy a new pair of jeans. But I dont know... my mom is totally opposed to the idea of me buying another pair of sevens but I dont know. We will see. I gotta get going... I guess we are going shopping... to JcPenny's for my mom... makes me laugh. Anyways, i hpoe you didnt order me any jeans or anythign because they would be the wrong size. I lvoe you, and thanks for the gesture. Talk to you later. bye sweetie. Hope your test went well