Saturday, June 26

So listen up...

Alright, what I'm going to write is not designed to bring saddness to your eyes, nor is it designed to make you feel bad. I just want to tell you how I feel about all of this... and how you make me feel.

It all makes me feel guilty-- this me being here, you being there shit. I feel like I cripple you. I stunt your happiness. And I know that you would disagree with that, but its just how I feel.

This whole situation makes me feel like less of a person. (Not the you and I situation, but the my mom, me and you situation.) I feel out of control and unable to move. I feel paralyzed from the heart down, unable to let go of the one thing that hurts me the most. I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to let this feeling of resentment and semi-hatred flow through my veins, down to my feet, propelling them to move. And I can't stand that. I can't stand that I feel helpless. That I am in a helpless situation. Its like watching a movie, where its you and your life, and the VCR is broken. You can only go backwards, and let it play forward on its own.

I loathe what this does to you. How it eats you up inside, how it makes you sick to your stomach, how it forces you to search, to yearn, for solutions to a problem that has no answer. I hate how no matter what I say to you, that it doesn't help. Not because you don't want it to, but because it just can't. I hate how I know the one and only solution to this problem, but somehow I still seem unable to solve it. And it eats me up inside.

I wish I didn't feel guilty about all of this. That I didn't feel like it is all my fault that you are slowly dying inside, but I'd only be kidding myself if I believed it was someone else. And I wish that all of the stupid aphorisms were true. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder. Abscence also kills a person's spirit.

When does it become the right time to take control of your own life? To rip it from the grasps of your mom, to tell her that you understand life as best as you possibly can at this point in it, and you want to make your own decisions. And what happens when she says no?

How is it that at 19 years old, I am still controlled by my mom. Is it because I like this feeling? Is it because I feel obligated to her and the life that she has given me? Or is it because I am just too afraid to see what really would happen if I pryed myself from her clenched fingers.

I wish I could help you. You don't know how baddly this all pains me, to know that I am the person who keeps pouring salt into your wounds. I am the person who has made your summer what it has been. And I am the person who remains entirely powerless amidst all of this. I am that person.

The voice of reason keeps echoing through my head. If its meant to be, then it will remain. If its true love, it will surivive. If you are as strong as you pretend to be, you will endure. But when has reason ever got anyone far in love? When has reason been the thing that caused two people to discard any expectations and to just be. When has reason told two people that their lives, as they know it, are about to change drastically and there will be a lot of turbulence along the way, so the logical thing to do is to jump right into the mess. That's not reason. That's insanity. And insanity goes hand in hand with love.

Love makes you do crazy things.
But it also makes you a better person.

And you and your love have made me a better person, through all of this. Through your listening, through your suggestions, through our tears and our laughter. Love has made the difference. And it is because of this love that I am who I am today. That I am what I am today. And it is because of this love, that I am able, and thankful, to look toward tomorrow for a day with a clearer smile and a little more hope.

So I am sorry that I make you feel the way I do. I'm sorry that I render you helpless, when thats the last thing you enjoy most in life. And I am sorry that I am unable to muster the courage to do something about this all. And I know that these next 66 days or whatever it is will be difficult. They will eat away at our hearts and our livelihood and will try our spirits. But I also know that we will make it through this all. And once we finally do see eachother, and spend a moment wrapped in eachothers arms, it will be worth it.

So what I'm trying to say with all of this is, I know its hard. I know it upsets you. And I know that you wish you could do something about it but you are entirely powerless. But I also know that we will make it through this. That we will persevere, and we will be that much stronger in the end. (No, I'm not saying this is good for us, but I am saying that its something that we can take a lesson from. Or at least try to.)

I love you.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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