Wednesday, June 23

The shit has hit the fan

And now I dont know what to do, because I have a stupid job and I cant leave because I accepted the employment. So I'm officially stuck here for the summer. And if I leave, then I am screwed for the rest of my life, and she is keeping the money that my grandpa had given me (that I was planning on using for housing next year,) the 7 or 8 thousand. I told her I would sue because the check was in my name and it was for me, but she said that it doesnt matter and i would lose because its in a joint account and legally, she has the right to take or add money to the account. I am screwed. And the money that I thought was mine? Its in her name, but Its supposed to be allocated to me, but she has no LEGAL obligation to do so. I would lose if I took her to court. So if I leave, I am unemployed, poor, out of housing (because I cant afford my place if I dont have a job or dont have the money), I have a killer migraine and I am beyond screwed. She really won this time. And she accused me of being crazy because I was irate about it all, and hinted that I needed medical attention. So I told her to commit me to the looney bin if she thought I was insane, and shes said "thats not what you need right now, because that would just be you running away, and then you would never face your problems." I told her my problem was her, and that she was the one who would never recognize that. That my life is great without her, and I hate her. I told her that, and I called her a bitch. Once again, I may have screwed myself again, but I cant handle this. I need to figure something out, and I hate to say this, but it needs to be a way in San Jose, because I cant quit my job that I havent even started. Im going to die. Seriously. Im so tempted to just have you come up here and maybe send stuff with you, I dont know, because then I would feel bad. But I decided that to raise some money, I'm going to go through my stuff and get rid of things that I dont need and sell them. Like my TV and my stereo. Dont need them.

But I wrote up a proposal to her about what the two options she had were:
1. I leave, and never come back.
2. I stay and our relationship is arranged like a business deal where I earn my keep by doing chores and we do not talk and I do not deal with her and she doesnt deal with me. It would be just the same as her renting out a room to any other person.

At least thats the gist of it. Im so pissed, and Im so sick to my stomach and have the worst migraine ever and am going to pass out from being so hungry but I wont eat. Life here has gone from a good morning, to a hell of an afternoon. And not in the good way. I dont know waht to do, and I dont know how it all started or how to solve it. And the thing is, the one thing she left when she went to her appointment was the number of the therapist. Once again, her solution is to send me to a doctor to "fix" me becuase theres always something wrong with me. I really really wished you lived up here so I could at least run to you.

Basically, right now, I am on house arrest. If I leave, I can never come back. If I stay its the next realm of hell. I dont know what to do. I want to die. Seriously. That would solve all of this.

I hate her so much. I really do, and I know you might argue that I dont because I cant hate her because she my mom and blah blah. Well youre wrong. If you saw what i feel right now, you would see that I really do hate her. And that I hate being home. There is no love in this house and there is no compassion, understanding, or trust. And its unbearable. Maybe her plan is to make me go insane so that she might be able to commit me. Who knows. All I know is that I'm nearly doubled over in pain and am starving and youre in class. I hate that.

I love you. Sorry for venting. Ignore my phone call. Sorry for always being hysterical. I just am going insane.

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