Thursday, June 17

Its so windy!

Wow, its really blowing outside right now. I went out, and could hardly stand up because the wind kept taking me down.

I figured, since I still have more on my mind, I'll just keep writing. This time, about my morning.

And I bring the wind into this post for a reason... simply because its somewhat symbolic of my relationship with my mom right now-- consistently dangerous (compelling you to be cautious when youre out in it, for fear that one spark could start a massive brushfire,) and increasingly strong.

We went to talk to a "family psychologist" this morning, discussing what makes my relationship with my mom so straining. And I was pretty uneasy about going, I'll give you that, simply because the lady we went to see, was my mom's old psychologist. So I was pretty worried that there would be a bias in that situation and I would end up getting screwed once again. But I suppose it wasn't so bad, considering she kinda sided with me on some things-- telling my mom that I have to be able to make my own mistakes, choices, and decisions-- otherwise I'll never learn my lessons, and she's gotta stop "micro-managing" me in order for that to happen. So that was a 'score' for me I suppose. But then she also told me that I gotta give her (my mom) a chance, to try things. And we cleared up one communication error. But its nowhere near being even close to being fixed. Which pretty much sucks. And I hate going to talk to someone else, telling them my life, when I know they really dont give a shit. That when that clock strikes 5, they have their own problems to deal with, and all of mine get shoved back into the blue folder and back into the drawer until the next week. I suppose that feeling aligns with my natural instinct to mistrust everyone, and my certainty that they really don't have my best interests at heart. But I'm sure I could be wrong too. Who knows. All I know is that my mom gets so upset when we are there. She tenses up, and gets this stern, angry, almost violent look smeared across her face, and I know she wants to scream. But she just doesn't feel right about it. So she doesnt. And then, instead, she kinda harnesses that upset for the rest of the day, and continues to give me a discerning and disheartening look throughout the day. Augh.

More and more, I just wish I could leave it all behind. But I know I can't, simply because that would be making things worse, and hurting my mom far too much. I guess I would rather let myself suffer, then hurt my mom that much. And I know that's a bad thing, because in the end, both people end up getting hurt. But its the only thing that I know how to do. Oh well.

Lets just hope that sooner (rather than later,) all of this dies down with the wind, and things become just a little bit easier. I'd really like to not hate coming home. And I'd really like being able to live my life the way I feel is right. I just don't know how long it will take her to realize that maybe I do know at least a little bit of what is right for me. Who am I kidding...

So until that day comes, I'll just dream of being whisked away like a leaf in the wind, dreaming about floating along the tops of the trees until I finally find the right place to nestle down and spend the rest of my time.

...only in dreams.

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