Wednesday, June 30

I know its not the same...

I'm sorry about what I said earlier. About me being afraid that you would do the same thing as Chris. I know you won't. I trust that you won't and I feel it deep down inside of me, that you will be there for me, no matter what. And I know that's true, because most people would have gone running by now, after all the waiting, the drama with my mom, the me being so sad that I call you crying, and all of that sort of thing. Most poeple would have left. But you're still here, and you're still staying strong. And that means a lot to me.

I know that you're in it for the long-haul. That this is it. This is us, and this is how its going to be, from now until forever. And I am so happy with that. But still, part of me is afraid.

I've only ever made it to the 6 month mark with someone once. Well, 6 months consecutively. So once we hit that mark, then I think some of my fears will havebeen assuaded. Simply becasue in the beginning, its still so easy to fall apart, because everything is still so new. I love you so much, that I am just so afraid of losing you, because I honestly don't know what I would do without you. I don't know how I would wake up in the morning, or even if I would. Or how I could fall asleep at night, feeling so alone and cold. I don't even want to think about it. How being without you would pain me more than almost anything I could ever imagine. So I'll stop thinking about it. I'll stop fearing the impossible, because I know that you will always be there for me, for us, for everything.

So I've decided something new. I've decided that instead of fearing things, I'll dream instead. Instead of having in the back of my head all the bad things that have happened to me in the past with other people, that I'll just think of all the good things that could happen with you. Us getting married. Going on vacation. Buying a house. Living together. Sleeping together. Falling asleep in your arms. Showering together. Making love. Anything and everything we could possibly do, together. Because all of those things that happened in the past with me and other people, are just that. In the past. And with other people. Those people aren't you, they could never be you or all of the wonderful person that you are. And I'm sorry for ever comparing you to them, or fearing the impractical. I love you.

And I know that you love me too... and will never spend more of yourself on your car than on me. :)

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