Wednesday, June 30

Stupid Sallie...

So shes totally blowing me off. I think shes pissed off at me because i broached the subject of getting a roomate to her a week or so ago and she expressed a strong aversion to that idea. I didnt know why, but apparently she bitched to Anya because Anya called me and was like, yeah I'm cool with it but Sallie is like freaking out and its weird. So I just IMed her, and shes totally blowing me off. She said hi, and then didnt answer. She went idle and came back from being idle and still didnt respond. I dont know whats up her pants but shes being a bitch. And if this is the beginning of the drama, then I'm totally pissed because we havent even moved in yet. Interesting.

Work...

So I called my boss... again. And I'm pissed.
She said that she just looked at my application and realized I was only going to be there for the summer, so shes not going to be able to offer me the job I had wanted (the HR one) for that short of a period of time. So instead she has some other positions in other departments open part time that she can offer me. I told her I wanted full time, and she said ok. So I'm working full time in garden. I go in tomorrow to finish the paperwork up, and then go to orientation monday thru wednesday next week. I start work out in garden on the 8th. Joy. I lost a week and a half of work because she procrastinated on me. Damn. And then I get a crappier job. But at least I wont have to buy a new wardrobe of dressy clothes... just jeans and polo shirts or collared shirts I think. So thats fun... I guess. Im a little irritated, and my head hurts. Its hurt since I woke up this morning, but oh well.

I hope class went well. I miss you and I love you. Take care sweetie.

I know its not the same...

I'm sorry about what I said earlier. About me being afraid that you would do the same thing as Chris. I know you won't. I trust that you won't and I feel it deep down inside of me, that you will be there for me, no matter what. And I know that's true, because most people would have gone running by now, after all the waiting, the drama with my mom, the me being so sad that I call you crying, and all of that sort of thing. Most poeple would have left. But you're still here, and you're still staying strong. And that means a lot to me.

I know that you're in it for the long-haul. That this is it. This is us, and this is how its going to be, from now until forever. And I am so happy with that. But still, part of me is afraid.

I've only ever made it to the 6 month mark with someone once. Well, 6 months consecutively. So once we hit that mark, then I think some of my fears will havebeen assuaded. Simply becasue in the beginning, its still so easy to fall apart, because everything is still so new. I love you so much, that I am just so afraid of losing you, because I honestly don't know what I would do without you. I don't know how I would wake up in the morning, or even if I would. Or how I could fall asleep at night, feeling so alone and cold. I don't even want to think about it. How being without you would pain me more than almost anything I could ever imagine. So I'll stop thinking about it. I'll stop fearing the impossible, because I know that you will always be there for me, for us, for everything.

So I've decided something new. I've decided that instead of fearing things, I'll dream instead. Instead of having in the back of my head all the bad things that have happened to me in the past with other people, that I'll just think of all the good things that could happen with you. Us getting married. Going on vacation. Buying a house. Living together. Sleeping together. Falling asleep in your arms. Showering together. Making love. Anything and everything we could possibly do, together. Because all of those things that happened in the past with me and other people, are just that. In the past. And with other people. Those people aren't you, they could never be you or all of the wonderful person that you are. And I'm sorry for ever comparing you to them, or fearing the impractical. I love you.

And I know that you love me too... and will never spend more of yourself on your car than on me. :)

Tuesday, June 29

"Never fall in love with your best friend"

I did a search on the internet about best friends & love... everything I could find turned up "never fall in love with your best friend" or "never let him/her know how you really feel, it will ruin your friendship."

And it makes me laugh, because for all that time I didnt tell you I was in love with you for so many reasons. Because I didnt want to ruin our friendship. Because I didnt think you felt the same way. Because I was just a big wuss.

Falling in love with you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. And telling you that I loved you? Perhaps also one of the best feelings as well. Loving you is the only thing I am sure of, and the one thing that I know is right.

So I feel bad for all the people who are in love with their best friends and don't know how to say it, because frankly, I think that they are missing out on the best relationship that they could ever have. Someone who already accepts you for who you are because they know everything about you, and someone who still loves you despite all of your faults.

So thank you. For being my best friend. For falling in love with me. For making this work. For feeling the same way as me. And, for telling me first, that you love me.

It means the world to me.

I love you

Do you know what it is to fall in love with your best friend?
It is a blooming red rose that entices you,
Growing in your heart and on the love you share.
It is a summer's night breeze that embraces you,
Claiming your senses and stealing your breath.
It is an angel's feathered wing that calms you,
Caressing your cheeck with gentle tenderness.
It is a knight's shield that protects you,
Holding your love in its strong and steady hands.
It is a loving kiss that arrests you,
Captivating your thoughts like nothing else.
It is a precious moment that satisfies you,
Sharing your heart's wants and needs.
It is a child's darling smile that disarms you,
Owning your heart, mind, and soul.
It is a rushing waterfall that excites you,
Falling head-over-heels in love.
It is falling in love with you.
--Jessica Mobbs

Thinking... again. I really should stop doing that...

So do you ever feel like you always get the brunt of things? That no matter what you say or do, you're still going to end up screwed? Thats kind of how I always feel with my Mom. That no matter what I say or do, its going to be turned around into an emotional plea, and I'm going to get "bitch slapped" by tears and things of that sort. Well, it happened again today.

At our little, "session" my mom started crying, saying that I always portray her as the "bad guy" and I never do her justice. That I'm not always the victim and that I need to see that I do things wrong and I hurt people. And she started sobbing, saying that I hurt her all the time, and that I verbally abuse her (because that day we had the really bad fight like end of last week... I called her a bitch a few times. Shes was totally being one. I could have said a lot worse). Nevertheless, Dr.Preston, our lady person, said "I don't see you as a bad person, I think you both are very good people, just not together. When you guys are together you're at "loggerheads" [whatever that means] and you are like polar opposites. You dig your heels in, and you take opposite sides and end up fighting over the things that don't need to be fought over. But you're not a bad person, you're just a mom." And blah blah.

I'm really beginning to think this whole "therapy" thing is a waste of time, because each time I leave, I'm more pissed off, I have a bigger headache, and she's all trite and content. Its really not fair. Yeah, yeah, but life's not fair. Well fuck that. Who had to go out and be the smartass who said that? Life should be fair. Its fair in the end. Everyone gets shoved out of a person, and everyone dies and experiences pain. Sure it sucks, but everyone does it. I just think a person's experiences should be considered into another person's actions, and they should be treated accordingly. I dunno, I'm not making any sense now.

All I know is that I'm getting a migraine, I have to go into work at like 4 or 5 (which is stupid but whatever) and then I dont know. Im just irritated with it all and just miss you. I just want to be in your arms and feel all of my problems fade away and escape my body and my mind. UGH! But we all know that that's pretty damn unrealistic.

Man does my head hurt.

I love you. LOTS. Once again, sorry for venting.

Ugh

I so can't wait for this summer to be over and for us to be back together. I keep thinking about all the things we can do in those 20 something days... I'm excited! I love you.

Monday, June 28

I love you

I just wanted to say I love you and say thanks again for the package. Youre too good to me. I love you so much.

Sunday, June 27

Oh how I miss you...

Oh how I love what we have.

-The days that seem like an eternity become so insignificant when looking at the big picture, but what is the big picture anyway? Each person's picture is the size they feel it to be. Predicting the future or assuming that a specific amount of time is in your future is ridiculous yet normal. Making each day as important as the first seems to be the key. I lose my keys a lot.

-What I want right now is to be touched. I am very sensitive when it comes to touch and smell-- especially when that touch or smell is yours.

-Could it be the same again or was that a moment in time that will live forever in a place inside my mind where my most precious treasures are kept? I am confident that it will be the same again. But somehow a little bit different. A little bit better, if thats possible.

-There is a place inside of me that I want to go whenever I possibly can, but when I go there I feel so sad in a happy way that I get lost inside the feeling and want everything i do to feel like this. This place, is my heart. And it is where I find you.

so I was wrong...

apparently demetria is flying. who knew. And i dont know how she thought I was going to get down there with her if she was flying all along. Who knows. I love you.

This is a test...

Ok, so I just got in from working out in the yard, and my hands hurt SO BAD... and are bright red. I took a picture, but I dont know if it will work, if I can put it in here or not... So Im going to try and see.

Ok, so this is my hurt hand.



and this is me in my swimsuit. Funny because it doesnt even look like my body. Theres another body picture, where my stomach looks funny. I might put it up if I can resize it.



And here's the body one. What do you think? I think I kind of look fat. Who knows... my tummy looks weird.


Let me know! Im curious. Comment away!

I love you. I hope the drive with Reid went well.

Ick.

I feel sick to my stomach. No clue as to why. All I know is that this sucks. Boo.

And my mom wants me to be "productive" today...meaning, I do what she wants, otherwise I'm in trouble.

I really loathe home.

AND on top of that, Demetria is going to SB for fourth of july to spend it with Reid (FYI) and wanted me to go with her, but my mom wont let me go. I hate this. I wish I could just spend a weekend with you. We wouldnt have to do anything, but just sit in the pleasure of eachother's company. And maybe kiss a little. Ugh.

Now I feel even worse.

I dont quite know what to write...

Somehow I feel obligated to fill this box each day or at least every couple of days, but today, I don't quite know what to say. I suppose part of it is due to the fact that you probably already know what I'm thinking, what I'm about to say, and just how much I miss you and love you. So I suppose a lot of that could be considered filler-- but its not. Yet, somehow it is.

I find myself sitting back and wondering quite often. Wondering about you and whether or not I could do something to make you happier. Wondering if all of this is real, wondering about why I'm wondering so much. :)

I keep closing my eyes and picturing you and I together. Picturing our "adventures" together. The hot springs. Drives to LA. Hanging around, just the two of us. Disneyland. All of our trips. So many things that just make me so happy; because you make me so happy. And I find myself wondering again. Will we always be this happy? I hope so.

But the one thing I don't find myself wondering about, is whether or not you love me. That much I am sure of, even though sometimes I try your patience, your temper, and find it hard to believe some of the things that you say or feel. I still believe you. And I love you more and more for it. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Youre the only thing in my life that I am sure of. And I love that. I love being able to trust someone as much as I trust you. And I love that you feel close to the same way (i think!) so that all just makes me happy.

But at this point, I'm rambling. So I guess I had something to write afterall. :)

I love you, and have a great day.

Saturday, June 26

So listen up...

Alright, what I'm going to write is not designed to bring saddness to your eyes, nor is it designed to make you feel bad. I just want to tell you how I feel about all of this... and how you make me feel.


It all makes me feel guilty-- this me being here, you being there shit. I feel like I cripple you. I stunt your happiness. And I know that you would disagree with that, but its just how I feel.

This whole situation makes me feel like less of a person. (Not the you and I situation, but the my mom, me and you situation.) I feel out of control and unable to move. I feel paralyzed from the heart down, unable to let go of the one thing that hurts me the most. I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to let this feeling of resentment and semi-hatred flow through my veins, down to my feet, propelling them to move. And I can't stand that. I can't stand that I feel helpless. That I am in a helpless situation. Its like watching a movie, where its you and your life, and the VCR is broken. You can only go backwards, and let it play forward on its own.

I loathe what this does to you. How it eats you up inside, how it makes you sick to your stomach, how it forces you to search, to yearn, for solutions to a problem that has no answer. I hate how no matter what I say to you, that it doesn't help. Not because you don't want it to, but because it just can't. I hate how I know the one and only solution to this problem, but somehow I still seem unable to solve it. And it eats me up inside.

I wish I didn't feel guilty about all of this. That I didn't feel like it is all my fault that you are slowly dying inside, but I'd only be kidding myself if I believed it was someone else. And I wish that all of the stupid aphorisms were true. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder. Abscence also kills a person's spirit.

When does it become the right time to take control of your own life? To rip it from the grasps of your mom, to tell her that you understand life as best as you possibly can at this point in it, and you want to make your own decisions. And what happens when she says no?

How is it that at 19 years old, I am still controlled by my mom. Is it because I like this feeling? Is it because I feel obligated to her and the life that she has given me? Or is it because I am just too afraid to see what really would happen if I pryed myself from her clenched fingers.

I wish I could help you. You don't know how baddly this all pains me, to know that I am the person who keeps pouring salt into your wounds. I am the person who has made your summer what it has been. And I am the person who remains entirely powerless amidst all of this. I am that person.

The voice of reason keeps echoing through my head. If its meant to be, then it will remain. If its true love, it will surivive. If you are as strong as you pretend to be, you will endure. But when has reason ever got anyone far in love? When has reason been the thing that caused two people to discard any expectations and to just be. When has reason told two people that their lives, as they know it, are about to change drastically and there will be a lot of turbulence along the way, so the logical thing to do is to jump right into the mess. That's not reason. That's insanity. And insanity goes hand in hand with love.

Love makes you do crazy things.
But it also makes you a better person.

And you and your love have made me a better person, through all of this. Through your listening, through your suggestions, through our tears and our laughter. Love has made the difference. And it is because of this love that I am who I am today. That I am what I am today. And it is because of this love, that I am able, and thankful, to look toward tomorrow for a day with a clearer smile and a little more hope.

So I am sorry that I make you feel the way I do. I'm sorry that I render you helpless, when thats the last thing you enjoy most in life. And I am sorry that I am unable to muster the courage to do something about this all. And I know that these next 66 days or whatever it is will be difficult. They will eat away at our hearts and our livelihood and will try our spirits. But I also know that we will make it through this all. And once we finally do see eachother, and spend a moment wrapped in eachothers arms, it will be worth it.

So what I'm trying to say with all of this is, I know its hard. I know it upsets you. And I know that you wish you could do something about it but you are entirely powerless. But I also know that we will make it through this. That we will persevere, and we will be that much stronger in the end. (No, I'm not saying this is good for us, but I am saying that its something that we can take a lesson from. Or at least try to.)

I love you.





"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."


-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Friday, June 25

I dont understand

So apparently its not my fault, but somehow I still see that it is, because it was MY argument that pissed you off. I dont quite know what aspect of my argument irritated you, but apparently it did.

I understand that you were busy, and perhaps didnt have time to talk to me, which is completely understandable, but under the circumstances I think you can see how I was concerned or worried or felt at fault.

If me messaging you bothers you so much I'll cease doing it, just so it wont irritate you. I do it when you're angry because I figure then you cant hang up on me, and then you cant yell at me either. And I hate talking to voicemail when I know youre there on the other end of the line, but just dont want to talk to me. This way, I dont take it personally. So thats my take. Sorry for over-reacting.

more than ten things I hate... but not about you.

I hate not knowing what I did wrong. I hate that I hurt you or that I offended you. I hate listening to your voicemail when I know youre there and you just dont want to talk to me, when all I want to do is hear your voice. I hate checking my computer every two seconds to see if you're online, thinking that maybe AIM messed up and forgot to alert me that you signed back on, even though I know it didnt, and even though I have every possible alert on you. I hate thinking or knowing that I hurt you, and I hate having to tell you how I feel over the phone or online when all I want is to say it to your face. I hate that we are so far away and that I have a tyrant of a mother and can't come and see you. I hate what this is doing to us, and I fear that if we are like this after what is it, 20 days or whatever its been, what are we going to be like after 67 more? I hate that I can't give you what you want, even though its what I want too. I hate that youre pissed off, and that you probably threw your phone and are more upset with me for sending that on my message, and I hate that youre probably more upset with me now for harassing you than you were before.

But I only do it because you are the one thing in my life I wont let go. Youre the one person that can make me back down and be the first one to say "I'm sorry," simply because you mean far too much to me to let you go. And you're the one person that I care the most about and wish to remedy any ill with, because I cant imagine my life without you, and I dont even want to try.

I hate what is happening right now, and it sucks that I feel like I have to be so rash and worried about this. But its only because I care. And no, I dont feel like I always have to be walking on egg shells, I dont even feel like I am right now. Because this is me, without hesitation, saying that I am sorry and that whatever I did was wrong. And I hate that I'm not quite sure what I did wrong, but I do know that I did do something. Im sorry.

Sometimes I just dont get it...

I understand that its hard to be apart. And trust me, its just as hard on me as it is for you. And I understand that sometimes it all gets to you and you just can't help but be aggitated or upset. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through this, and I'm sorry for putting us through this. I had no control over it, and I have no control over anything anymore, or so it seems.

Im sorry if I was out of line. Its just hard for me to hear you say, whether youre joking or not, that I dont know you and that you know me so much better. It makes me feel guilty, and bad, and like I am completely out of it. Which is the last thing that I want to be. I'm sorry if I hurt you, and I'm sorry if I am driving oyu insane. And I want for nothing more than righ tnow to be entirely pissed off at you because I feel like youre throwing a fit or something, but I can't be. Its not possible. Sure at one point in our lives you'll find something that will make me upset at you for a prolonged period, but this certainly isnt it.

So I'm sorry. I dont quite know what I did that warranted that response, and I'm just trying to help. But apparently all I'm doing is making things worse.

I'm sorry.

Thursday, June 24

Much better...

So, so far today has been much better than yesterday. But I suppose anything would be better, right? As of yet, I have spent the day cleaning, reading, writing and tanning. Not too bad. I got back into the swing of writing and am starting yet another book/short story that I am certain I will never finish. Oh well, its the thought that counts, right?

Last night we fought again... and it was ridiculous because the conversation began as me approaching her with my financial breakdown in a completely calm and respectful manner. Too bad it didnt end how it began. I ended up going to be pissed... something I hate. But going to bed upset did help me understand why they say never to do that... its because when you lie there trying to fall asleep, all you can think of is all of the positively horrible things you could say or do to the person you are pissed off at. Bah. I dont like being mean or hurtful or even hateful. But sometimes, it seems like its the only thing that there is left to do.

Oh well. I'll just keep trying for a better day.

Till then, adeu.

Wednesday, June 23

The shit has hit the fan

And now I dont know what to do, because I have a stupid job and I cant leave because I accepted the employment. So I'm officially stuck here for the summer. And if I leave, then I am screwed for the rest of my life, and she is keeping the money that my grandpa had given me (that I was planning on using for housing next year,) the 7 or 8 thousand. I told her I would sue because the check was in my name and it was for me, but she said that it doesnt matter and i would lose because its in a joint account and legally, she has the right to take or add money to the account. I am screwed. And the money that I thought was mine? Its in her name, but Its supposed to be allocated to me, but she has no LEGAL obligation to do so. I would lose if I took her to court. So if I leave, I am unemployed, poor, out of housing (because I cant afford my place if I dont have a job or dont have the money), I have a killer migraine and I am beyond screwed. She really won this time. And she accused me of being crazy because I was irate about it all, and hinted that I needed medical attention. So I told her to commit me to the looney bin if she thought I was insane, and shes said "thats not what you need right now, because that would just be you running away, and then you would never face your problems." I told her my problem was her, and that she was the one who would never recognize that. That my life is great without her, and I hate her. I told her that, and I called her a bitch. Once again, I may have screwed myself again, but I cant handle this. I need to figure something out, and I hate to say this, but it needs to be a way in San Jose, because I cant quit my job that I havent even started. Im going to die. Seriously. Im so tempted to just have you come up here and maybe send stuff with you, I dont know, because then I would feel bad. But I decided that to raise some money, I'm going to go through my stuff and get rid of things that I dont need and sell them. Like my TV and my stereo. Dont need them.

But I wrote up a proposal to her about what the two options she had were:
1. I leave, and never come back.
2. I stay and our relationship is arranged like a business deal where I earn my keep by doing chores and we do not talk and I do not deal with her and she doesnt deal with me. It would be just the same as her renting out a room to any other person.

At least thats the gist of it. Im so pissed, and Im so sick to my stomach and have the worst migraine ever and am going to pass out from being so hungry but I wont eat. Life here has gone from a good morning, to a hell of an afternoon. And not in the good way. I dont know waht to do, and I dont know how it all started or how to solve it. And the thing is, the one thing she left when she went to her appointment was the number of the therapist. Once again, her solution is to send me to a doctor to "fix" me becuase theres always something wrong with me. I really really wished you lived up here so I could at least run to you.

Basically, right now, I am on house arrest. If I leave, I can never come back. If I stay its the next realm of hell. I dont know what to do. I want to die. Seriously. That would solve all of this.

I hate her so much. I really do, and I know you might argue that I dont because I cant hate her because she my mom and blah blah. Well youre wrong. If you saw what i feel right now, you would see that I really do hate her. And that I hate being home. There is no love in this house and there is no compassion, understanding, or trust. And its unbearable. Maybe her plan is to make me go insane so that she might be able to commit me. Who knows. All I know is that I'm nearly doubled over in pain and am starving and youre in class. I hate that.

I love you. Sorry for venting. Ignore my phone call. Sorry for always being hysterical. I just am going insane.

Tuesday, June 22

Happy two months!

Two down, the rest of our lives to go... I can't wait. :)

I love you so much, and you mean the world to me. Thank you for everything.




Monday, June 21

This crazy little thing called love...

Well I'm still crying after our chat, but its the best crying a girl can do. Straight from the heart, warm tears filled with love and emotion. It amazes me that for the first time in my life, I'm certain of something. Of someone. That if someone asked me where I would be in 3 months, or 5 years, or 10 years, or 50 years, my answer would still be the same-- in your arms. I know that what I feel when I am with you is true, that what I see when I look into your eyes is the purest thing that anyone could imagine. I know that you are the reason why I wake up each morning, and you are the reason why my faith was tested. So that I might be able to find you. So that I could stay up late nights getting closer to you, discussing religion and faith and anything else that comes to mind, so that I might be given the chance to see what love I could have, and do have, with you. You are the reason why I am able to believe again. You are the reason why I can trust. And you are the reason that makes me want all these things, and so much more. You are the reason why I want my life to be filled with all the things its supposed to be filled with-- love, laughter, patience, compassion. The essential aspects of life. And the past two years, or the past two months have proven to me that you are also what is essential. What I have with you is what people dream of. In fact, its what I draem of. And can you imagine my content when I wake up and discover that my dreams are my reality, (less a little bit of time and a 4 hour drive right now). That you are all that I have ever dreamed of, all that I could ever dream of, and all that I could ever want or need.

I know now what I should have known before.

You're the strong wind in my sail, keeping me steadily on course. Youre the reason why I haven't given up, and the reason why I have never really failed, even though I have been given plenty of opportuntities to do so. And you are the reason why I have realized that my full potential is not a life spent alone, but instead, a life spent with you. No matter how that life is spent. Whether its as your wife, as your lover, as your girlfriend, as your best friend, as a person you used to know, or as the girl you once shared something with. That's my full potential, and I honestly can't wait to live up to it.

So I want to thank you for giving me back that dream. For helping me grow. For showing me love, and for helping me find my faith. And, for helping me find me.

I love you.

Post post post

So I'm posting, because I was urged to do so, by the one and only person that reads this.

So here's my major, intensive and long post...


I love you

Sunday, June 20

I stand corrected...

I guess it did post. Man I am a dork. And maybe it wasnt as good as I had thought. Boo

B-A-L-L-S!!

(and in case you couldnt tell, that was signed.) I had written this big long post about father's day earlier, and it had trouble posting it, and well, I guess it didnt post. Damn. It was good too. Im bummed

Today...

Well, today isn't always the happiest of days for me, and hasnt been so for the past 19 years almost. I suppose its 18 on a technicality. Its always hard to see so many others celebrating something that you know nothing of, and only experience the emotion of saddness and forlorned longing, instead of the expected content and glee. And I know I'm not the only one who feels like this; wishing that I could celebrate Father's Day with my dad, instead of with his headstone at the cemetary. Wishing that I could have gotten up and made pancakes and had a gift all together, just for him. But instead, I bring him flowers and tears, rather than wrapping paper and smiles.

And I know Its not quite the same for me as it is for others who have lost loved ones more recently, simply because I can only imagine what its like to have a dad, whereas they actually know. But I do know this: no matter how you slice it, it still hurts, and today is still hard.

Saturday, June 19

To my knight in shining armor:

It never ceases to amaze me how some people have nothing better to do with their lives than to torment and harass another, even when they aren’t provoked. I’ve gotten to this point with Kyle’s insulting post that I’m almost in a state of bewilderment, that he really has nothing better to do with his life than to continue to dwell upon his own misery and attempt to transfer that misery over to me. I think he is the kind of person who lives off of another person’s pain, and only when another is suffering is he truly happy. And that makes me pity him, to the fullest extent. I suppose I’m also bewildered by the fact that he would attempt to make a claim towards something that he would know nothing of—my relationship with the love of my life. Little does he know, is that beside the fact that we are apart right now and that makes our emotions in a constant state of turbulence, we are ecstatic with each other, and our lives together. (At least I am, in regards to my relationship with you!)

All of this makes me think. Why must he continue to pick on you and I? What ever did I do to him other than break his best friend’s heart? Yeah, that’s understood that sure that wasn’t the nicest thing to do in the world, but neither is living a life that is a lie. And to me, all of this seems like blatant harassment and defamation of character. Isn’t that something you could file a police report for? I know that’s a bit rash, but in theory, couldn’t we press charges against him? I don’t know, it’s just a thought. And I imagine it could be used quite effectively as a “scare tactic.” But who knows.

All I do know is that this whole ordeal is ridiculous and a waste of effort and time, in addition to the fact that it is just plain rude and obnoxious and quite offensive. I also know that I love you very much, Christopher McConnell, and nothing that anyone says or does will ever stand in the way. Thanks for being my knight in shining armor.

He did it again...

I cant believe he had the nerve. Kyle is such an asshole. At least this time I'm not so hurt. Instead I'm just thoroughly pissed off.

Im gonna find his number and give it to you... I just have to remember where it is.

And I can find out where he lives... from Sara Denham. lol. Oh boy.

Feeling a little bit better...

Well I feel better about having a talk with my mom yesterday instead of running out, though I kind of wanted to run out because then I would be able to run to my true home-- anywhere that my boy is. I keep thinking about how good it would feel to just run into his arms, to feel his body enveloping mine, and to feel the warmpth that radiates from his smile and from his soul. .:sigh:. I guess the saying of "the best things in life are worth waiting for" is true, but I just hate waiting. (Ok, so I guess I am impatient. But I can have patience. I just dont have the patience to wait around for them. :)

Anyways, Ive come to the realization that sometimes I push things a little too much, and sometimes need to just let things go. I also need to learn to have faith...
which is a big step for me, considering that I don't really ever have faith in anything. Oh well, thats another endeavor for another day.

I understand that sometimes I also have to trust that sometimes people are going to do the right thing, even though I worry. I guess I just need to stop worrying, so I'll try.

But thats all I have to say for now.

Friday, June 18

How I feel about you...

So once again, I'm trying to cheer myself up. And I remembered this song, from the Orange County soundtrack, and thought I'd post the lyrics, since it TOTALLY reminds me of you.


Sugarbomb Hello lyrics
I feel so peculiar I don't know what to say
Don't let me fool you I'm not one bit afraid, no way

One things for sure
What I would give to simply open my door
and see your smiling face

Hello hello wont you come right in
I'd give anything just to see you again
Hello hello wont you come right in
Step into my world where you know your everything
Everything I need

I'm suddenly hopeful whenever you're in sight, that's right
I talk about you all day whisper your name at night, that's right

Whatever you need
What I would give if you should ask it of me
To make you feel complete

Chorus

I could go on and on and on
Do it again again again
Whisper your name your name your name
Would you do the same for me

I feel so peculiar I don't know what to say

Chorus

Everything
Where you know you're everything
Everything
I feel so peculiar
You know I feel so peculiar
You know I feel so strange

And I'm crying... again.

I know youre the only one who reads this, so I figure since I can't talk to you on the phone because youre trying to drive and I cant hear you, I'll vent here. Kyle did it again. This time you got called a fag and he called me a whore. Just read xanga. I dont understand why people can be so mean, so hurtful so heartless. And of course he hits me at a time when I'm already down and I already feel like shit about myself. I just wish that it would all just end, and I hate feeling like this, almost more than I hate kyle. And the only thing that I know that can make me feel better is you-- and youre in the process of driving even further away from me as I write. Which just upsets me even more. And I want to respond on xanga with some big, drawn out thing saying what a horrible person he is, but I cant for so many reasons. One, being that I just don't want to be as bad as him. But I did do something else-- I IMed Chris... yes, I know youre probably pissed off just reading that. BUT this is what I said:
Hi, look, I know we dont talk and I know we didnt part in the best way possible, but I seriously think you need to get a hold of your ridiculous friends, because what kyle wrote and his behavior is just rude and wrong. I made no attack towards him or anything of the sort, and he was completely out of line in his comment. You know, they say you can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps. And If thats true, I should have learned a lot about all of you a long time ago. The only thing that makes you different is that usually, you have respect for other people. Maybe you should try teaching your friends that same lesson

So I don't think that was too out of line, or too bad. I dunno, maybe it was, and I know it really doesnt do any good. But I just felt like I had to say something to someone, and well, he's the only person online that I could really say something to. I mean, if Kyle had been online I would have completely gone off on him. But then again, thats exactly what he wants, isn't it. And I'm so upset that I even thought about calling Kyle and ripping him a new one. But then he could just have the victory of hanging up on me, AND THEN he would also have my cell number. Not so good. But I dont know what to do. And I feel like I'm being the biggest baby ever, and it totally sucks. I just am definitley hurting right now. And all I want is you.

Thursday, June 17

A feeble attempt at cheering myself up...

Ok, so I'm trying to cheer myself up, so I put in one of my favorite movies of all times... Van Wilder. BUT, somehow the movie has made me a little bit more sad, despite the laughter it brought me, only because (just like pretty much everything else,) it makes me think of him... bah. I just want to go back to SB where we were together for the better part of a month SOLID. Till then, enjoy.

-:::-

Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

-:::-

Van Wilder: You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.

-:::-

Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.

-:::-

Van Wilder: You think about the future too much and you kinda forget about the present. Obviously.
(totally me)

Augh...

I'm just so bored right now, that I'm absolutely going insane. And I'm getting really worried that I won't find a job this summer, and then I'll be screwed for next year, and I am just really really stressed out. I hate all of the shit that comes with being at home for summer. Summer vacation is about relaxing, having fun, making some cash, and just enjoying yourself. I am NOT enjoying myself. I'm going stirr crazy, I have no one to hang out with here, I feel like a total loser, I dont have a car to even go and meet new people in, I am so utterly tired of sitting at home and doing chores and what-not. I hate it all. I just want to go and have fun, and act my age, and enjoy myself. Or at least be given the opportunity to do so.

I just hate it here so much. I hate what my life becomes when I'm here. All I do is become depressed and lethargic, thereby making me resentful and distraught. I hate feeling like this. I hate being in a slump.

Please, someone, get me out of here.
Get me out of this.


Is it a "haha" or a "hehe" or just a plain "LOL"?

So I was bored. Big surprise. And I started to talk to Adam online, and we got into this discussion about whether or not people actually laugh when they type "lol" and "haha" and "hehe" online and what the difference between the types of laughter is. So we broke it down that a "lol" is the most jovial of the three, with a "haha" coming in second, and a "hehe" as more of a private chuckle or an inside joke kind of laugh. And when you type the letters wrong, like "ahahaa" or something like that, when you cant even get the "h's" and the "a's" in the right order, you know the person is really laughing.

Eventually, this evolved into the "do you smile when you put in the smiley face?" and I decided that I did. I made the same face as what is displayed via IM. Its like taking a picture... only I'm yellow... and circular.

Anyways, the point of this all, was that this all made me think, how cool would it be to do a psych or soc experiment on people chatting via the internet, and reccord the relationship between the keystrokes (haha, hehe, and lol, along with any of the emoticon faces would trigger a response in a computer tracking the entry and recording it on a database in realtime so that you could go back and look at the time on the camera that would be positioned on the conversationalist who is chatting, so that you could see if their reaction directly corresponded,) and the user, because I'm totally curious if I'm the only one who actually laughs or makes faces or whatever when I type, or if other people do it too.

So thats my bored thought for the moment. And post number three for today. Woo hoo!

Its so windy!

Wow, its really blowing outside right now. I went out, and could hardly stand up because the wind kept taking me down.

I figured, since I still have more on my mind, I'll just keep writing. This time, about my morning.

And I bring the wind into this post for a reason... simply because its somewhat symbolic of my relationship with my mom right now-- consistently dangerous (compelling you to be cautious when youre out in it, for fear that one spark could start a massive brushfire,) and increasingly strong.

We went to talk to a "family psychologist" this morning, discussing what makes my relationship with my mom so straining. And I was pretty uneasy about going, I'll give you that, simply because the lady we went to see, was my mom's old psychologist. So I was pretty worried that there would be a bias in that situation and I would end up getting screwed once again. But I suppose it wasn't so bad, considering she kinda sided with me on some things-- telling my mom that I have to be able to make my own mistakes, choices, and decisions-- otherwise I'll never learn my lessons, and she's gotta stop "micro-managing" me in order for that to happen. So that was a 'score' for me I suppose. But then she also told me that I gotta give her (my mom) a chance, to try things. And we cleared up one communication error. But its nowhere near being even close to being fixed. Which pretty much sucks. And I hate going to talk to someone else, telling them my life, when I know they really dont give a shit. That when that clock strikes 5, they have their own problems to deal with, and all of mine get shoved back into the blue folder and back into the drawer until the next week. I suppose that feeling aligns with my natural instinct to mistrust everyone, and my certainty that they really don't have my best interests at heart. But I'm sure I could be wrong too. Who knows. All I know is that my mom gets so upset when we are there. She tenses up, and gets this stern, angry, almost violent look smeared across her face, and I know she wants to scream. But she just doesn't feel right about it. So she doesnt. And then, instead, she kinda harnesses that upset for the rest of the day, and continues to give me a discerning and disheartening look throughout the day. Augh.

More and more, I just wish I could leave it all behind. But I know I can't, simply because that would be making things worse, and hurting my mom far too much. I guess I would rather let myself suffer, then hurt my mom that much. And I know that's a bad thing, because in the end, both people end up getting hurt. But its the only thing that I know how to do. Oh well.

Lets just hope that sooner (rather than later,) all of this dies down with the wind, and things become just a little bit easier. I'd really like to not hate coming home. And I'd really like being able to live my life the way I feel is right. I just don't know how long it will take her to realize that maybe I do know at least a little bit of what is right for me. Who am I kidding...

So until that day comes, I'll just dream of being whisked away like a leaf in the wind, dreaming about floating along the tops of the trees until I finally find the right place to nestle down and spend the rest of my time.

...only in dreams.

Quite jealous in fact...

So my boyfriend is at Disneyland, again, today, for the second day in a row. And I'm way jealous. Not just because of the fact that I LOVE Disneyland, and not just because thats where we 'officially' got together (good 'ol Indiana Jones...,) but because I am jealous that a friggin amusement park gets to spend more time with him than I.

Its insane that it hasnt even been a week apart (tomorrow is one week,) but I'm already losing it. I think I've officially gone crazy. Crazy for him. Crazy without him. Just plain crazy.

Its amazing how in and with some things, time has no constant. Tuesday is two months, and it feels like two years. Well, its almost been two years, but thats different. I guess its not really, when you think about it, considering we were practically dating for a good portion of those two years, even despite all the drama that was enveloped into that time... boyfriends, girlfriends, roomates, parents, school, injury, and drama upon drama. Its weird, because its been a full two years (full as in full of events,) but it doesnt seem like any of it drag on that long. Maybe its because of the ease of friendship, or maybe its because I probably blew it all off like I do with everything. But all I know is that the two months, and the two years, that we have known each other or been together feels like a lot longer. And thats definitley in a good way.

During summer, I always tend to become more pensive. ('Damn I was going for thoughtful,' (name that movie)) I start reflecting, simply because there's not a lot more to do that would occupy my mind. And today's thought was, what were the 5 or 10 most influential things that have happened in your life? What has changed you the most to make you who you are? Were they good changes or were they bad? How do you think those changes will affect the rest of your life (or continue to affect it)?


I suppose that's all for now. Though I probably could keep going, simply because my mind is constantly racing lately. With memories. With dreams. With wishes and hopes. And with thoughts. Lots and lots of thoughts.

Wednesday, June 16

I am so blond sometimes...

Ok, so I had all this trauma because I thought I forgot my password for this thing already, and couldnt figure out how to friggin log in. So I emailed the tech help, and they never responded, and I felt like a total tool. And then I got frustrated and signed offline and decided to tackle this endeavor again at a later time. Well that later time is now, and still no email from tech help. So I decided to sit here and figure out what my username and password was, because i figured maybe my username was wrong and not the password. Well, sure enough it was. I finally get in, only to get to this point: I've forgotten my username again! Damnit. Im such a retard. OH AND I've forgotten the initial reason why I wanted to log in again earlier... crappers. Im so blond sometimes. I swear.






OH! I remembered! I wanted to post song lyrics. But what was the song? I think it was to Such Great Heights... so here are those lyrics, before I forget AGAIN. And I only like the song for the bolded parts I think. (I know its cliche because Ive had this song applied to me in another circumstance, but even though the song comes with baggage it doesnt make it bad, right? I always hated that, when you would associate a really good song with a really bad thing or person or event, and then be like, aww crap, now the song blows because it makes me think of X... oh well.)


I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home





-:...On another note...:-
I'm still getting used to this whole new program thing... blogger isnt the same as xanga so its new to me. Bear with me.

A new format...

So I've decided to try this one instead of xanga, because I've come to the realization that xanga doesnt do me any good. It only maintains the relationships with the people that I no longer wish to have relationships with, and since this whole journal thing was devised as a personal outlet, I'm keeping it just that-- personal.

Life is tumultuous and tiring at times, yet at other times its beautiful. Its during those times that you realize that you are truly blessed, and that you are able to learn more about yourself-- and about those around you.

I know the only person who will read this right off the bat is the person that I'm going to talk about, but nevertheless, its going to be said. And I apologize in advance for any form of "rambling" or any frantic spouts of emotion. I know that I am the etermal puzzle that is always missing at least one piece, making the picture still a bit more convaluded, but I also know that most of my goals, my intentions, my desires, are ever so clear. And I also know that you are the missing piece to my puzzle. (I could be so "Jerry Maguire" right here... the whole 'you complete me' crap... but its inferred so it doesnt have to be said. Even though I feel like you do. And I know this all comes on so strong, and I hate wincing at the thought of you reading this and shaking your head because you feel I've fallen too deep, too hard, or am too involved. But I cant help it, and I wouldnt want it any other way. But if it scares you, I'll back off)

I thought I understood what it meant to be me, what it meant to live and to love, and to be loved in return, but I soon started to understand that I couldn't be more wrong. The whole time that I thought I was loving and being loved was merely a falacy-- a curtain covering the true wizard behind it-- a mere fake. And it hurt to realize that what I thought I knew so much about, I really knew nothing about. Until I stopped and looked around, and realized that maybe I wasn't so far off. The one person who had stood by me through the tough, through the easy, and through the hectic and the sane, was the person that truly showed me what love was. My best friend. And I know that all of this sounds cheezy, and I really don't care at this point, because all I can think of right now is the one person who matters most to me. And it amazes me that it took me so long to see what was right in front of me, but I suppose it comes with me just being me. My grandpa used to tease me that I couldn't see the forrest for the trees, that I always noticed the small stuff but never saw the big picture. And I suppose thats mostly true. That I am a detail fiend, but I am completely oblivious to so many much more obvious things. And I guess thats what makes me me, and I guess thats also what helps me learn my life's lessons that just seem to increase in difficulty. But for once, something feels easy. It feels so right that I know, deep down inside of me, that it can't be wrong.

And sometimes its so hard for me to realize that something so simple, something so true can make me so completely and intensely happy. But then it makes me smile. Because for once in my life, I know what I am doing. And for once in my life, I think that my dad, my grandpa, and anyone else who ever had any meaning to me, would be proud. They would be proud that I am following my heart, and for once, my head aligns with it. Its so hard going through life wondering about the things that you'll never know, the things that you never can know. And wanting those things ever so badly. Wishing that your grandpa or your dad were there watching you, cheering from the sidelines, and there to greet you at the end with a warm smile-- regardless of the outcome, whether you win or you lose. And its even harder trying to play that same game of life, wondering if what you are doing would make them proud, whether it would make them cheer, or whether it would bring tears to their eyes because they were overwhelmed with upset. Or perhaps it would be overwhelemed with love and emotion.

And I used to dread feeling this way, simply because I feared the outcome. One of two things, is how I would see it play out: one, I'd be left behind and hurt; or two, I'd end up married and blissfully happy. Now the later certainly seems like the best of the two, but I always feared that day, and in fact, dreaded it, unlike many girls who dreamed of their wedding days filled with beautiful white dresses, elegant wedding cakes, the most hansome groom waiting for them at the end of the aisle, and an elaborate party afterwards filled with bliss and family. But I never wanted that. Nor did I ever really set my mind on getting married or being a beautiful bride. Simply because there was one hitch in the plan-- I wouldn't have my dad to walk me down the asile. And I remember sitting with my grandpa one day telling him this, that I never wanted to get married because my dad couldnt walk me down the aisle, and he told me that he would be honored to do that for me. Saddly enough, he never got the chance, simply because he too, left. Now I know my word-choice may be poor, and I understand that he certainly didnt do it on purpose, but when he died, it reaffirmed the harsh reality in my mind, that I would never get married simply because I wouldnt have my dad OR my grandpa to walk me down the aisle. So I convinced myself that I would never wed, would never have children, and then I would never be able to be that sad-- as sad as I think I might be on my wedding day (not because Im sad I'd be getting married, but because I would be missing the person I wanted there most.) But then I fell in love, and realized this time it was the real thing. Not some wishy-washy crush that would just leave me out in the cold, but the real thing. The thing you crave, that you cant get enough of. The kind of love that brings tears to your eyes when you think of it. The kind of love that I found with him. And now suddenly, my fears have started to dissipate, and I know that its right. That what I feel is how I am supposed to feel for the rest of my life. And that makes me happy. And for some reason, I'm not so scared. Yet for some reason, I still am. Completely terrified of the first outcome-- being left behind. Simply because I've felt like my entire life, I've somehow been left behind.

Now I know I've said it before but I'll say it again. Its so hard to live your life in the shaddows of the unknown, constantly wondering, and loathing the fact that when you see yourself you don't see what others do. The features, the expressions, the actions. And it hurts ever so badly to hear my mom or my family say "you look just like your dad," or "that's so something your dad would have done," or telling you stories that you never knew, simply because you were never given the chance. Yet it hurts so much more to not even be given that opportunity to know those things. To live wondering because no one will ever tell you anything, and the few things that you do know, are stretched few and far between. And it hurts. But it only makes me stronger. Simply because I must be.

In a world full of courage and fear, its much more logical to be the one with the most courage, rather than the most fear. Even though sometimes, its so much easier to be fearful than it is to be brave.

And I dont quite know where all of this stemmed from, or why I just felt the urge to write it all down, but I think it comes partially from the time of the year, and remembering my entire life celebrating Father's Day at the cemetary instead of in the living room on the couch. And I suppose its also from someone reminding me what its like to not have that stronghold in your life-- but at the same time, helping me realize that you can find a smiliar amount of strength in an entirely different entity. Both derrived from love, both from the heart, and both ever so significant.


So I'm sorry if I rambled on, and if none of this makes any sense, but it feels kind of good to let it all out. That for once, I know what I'm feeling, and I know that its right. Thanks for making it right.