Tuesday, March 28

Same song, different tune

The song, "water runs dry" by Boys II Men keeps running through my head, because it makes me think of this whole situation.

Its kind of ironic that I stumbled across this site when I did, and am now curious as to why you got rid of your old page, and when you started posting on the retreats one. Nevertheless, its the same thing over and over again. Looking through all of my old posts-- both the happy ones and the sad ones-- we have the same fight over and over again. Trust. Sharing. Expression. Petty fights. Over and over and over again. You not telling me everything, me telling you everything and then upsetting you. Its just a headache.

And then there are the secrets and the lies and the doubt. The doubt is probably the hardest part of it all, because if you doubt yourself then I think youre hiding something and then I doubt you, and then you doubt me and its this vicious cycle where we both end up screwed in the end.

And I'm just so tired of it all; tired of fighting with you.

So I want to find a way to fix this, once and for all. I don't know what that means, but I want to figure it out because I'm litterally getting sick over all of this, and I refuse to let that happen.

I doubt you'll ever see this and thats probably ok because more than likely it will just continue the rift between us, but I needed to write.

Monday, January 10

i love you

i love you soo much

Monday, December 20

sorry baby, but i had to get going... time for bed for me... have to go work in the morning. I hope you had a good time in the spa and hopefully thought of me ;)

hee hee...


you signed off

Hey you,
You signed off and I had to get get going, so I will have to talk to you tomorrow... I hope you had a good time in teh spa and thought of me... ;)


Reasons for not posting

So I havent been posting here for a reason... that reason is what, you ask? Its because I've been recording my thoughts in regards to you in another form, and it shall become obvious to you at a later date. But until then, why the heck arent you posting either? Bah.

love you

Sunday, November 28

I love you

Hi baby,
I'm sorry about last night. I'm just really down on myself... I feel like I ruined my birthday and let my mom down, all because I was being selfish. So yeah, thats why I dont want anything for my bday, because I already screwed it up, so I dont think I deserve anything else. So yeah. Youve already done so much for me... I couldnt possibly ask for more. So thank you.

I love you.
Hope all is well with you.


Tuesday, October 12

oh baby....

Day 3 (continued...)

So this afternoon I made chocolate chip cookies, thinking that you were coming home tonight and that then you would have something yummy to munch on. Yeah, thats me, the total ditz. If it wasnt for the brown hair, sometimes I would swear I'm a blonde. Nevertheless, I made cookies. And this time, they totally turned out, and are absolutely wonderful. Kalin is in love with them... sh ethinks they are mighty delicious and so does Sallie... I obviously agree, as my tummy hurts from eating so many. :)

It just dawned on me. Perhaps you dont want a breatkodwn, or a play by play of whats going on, and I'm probably just boring you. If thats the case, I'm sure you'll just scan through all of this, laughing at how much time I sit at my computer or just sit and think of you. I think of you constantly and always... its just that my fingers would get tired from typing incessantly all day and night. Not to mention I would be tired as well.

I should do some reading before my 6pm section tonight, so I will get going. I love you to death. And maybe, just maybe, if I hope enough, youll come home to me tonight. I doubt it, but hey, a girl can hope, can't she?

I love you...

Day 3
So last night when you called I was a little out of it, considering it was 1:40 in the morning. Regardless, I was ecstatic to talk to you... I had slept with my phone so that I would be certain as to not miss your call. :)

I'm so happy that all the letters got there to you. Yes, you were right, that is what I was "sneaking about" trying to do... though my stealth-like qualities certainly need to be worked upon. So the numbers I had gotten out of your phone were Avery's and Ed's. I know you knew that Ed was writing a letter... he told me that he slipped, and I saw what he had written in your letter, as he didnt have an envelope and asked me if what he wrote was ok. Anyway, I'm glad they all got there... it was seriously a one day scramble on my behalf, as I had already sent in my letter a few days earlier, well like 4 days, and then your mom called me and asked me to write a letter for you and to see if Reid or Demetria could do it too... so thats when I got the brilliant idea of asking lots of people. I figured you wouldnt mind getting a bunch of letters, so I did what I could. Sorry there werent more... I would have gotten the whole crew team if I could, I just didnt have the time. Sorry baby.

Anyway, today is the day of your big talk. I am wishing you well... I'm certain you will do wonderfully, as the talk is supposed to be a reflection of the person, and well, youre a wonderful person. So there!

I just got out of ballet a few minutes ago, and kind of hurt my foot and my ankle... I'm thinking of wrapping it, and I really think I smell bad... so i decided to not go to english, as I might have been a nuissance to the nose. I'm bummed because theres this one step I cant seem to get, and every time I try, I just get more and more frustrated. Oh well.

Well Im gonna stop for now. I just wanted to tell you I love you.

Talk to you soon. I cant wait.

Love you lots!

Monday, October 11

...me again...

Still Day 2
So I was a good girl and went to all of my classes today, I just finished my english homework that is due tomorrow morning (the one I usually try to do while you watch monday night football...) and I am missing you immensely. I love you so much kiddo. I keep finding myself looking at that darn schedule, saying (sometimes audibly, sometimes not,) "I wonder what he's doing right now." I cant wait for you to come home. Im such a nerd, seriously. I think that I might have attatchment issues to you-- that I am so in love with you that I am completely attatched to you, via my heart and my soul, since I cant quite be physically attatched to you right now. When you get back, I swear, its going to be wonderful, as I am so stoked to just see you. WOoOoO hOoOo!!! Man am I a nerd.

Anyway, Christopher Reeve died last night. How sad is that? From an infection. I guess that not even superman is infalliable.

I should probably get to some of my reading, with the sincere hopes of getting ahead. I might even do some of next week's work, as I don't quite know what to do with myself when youre not here-- there are no longer any pleasant disruptions. :(

I miss my pleasant disruption.

Oh, and all four fish are still alive. Wahoo!

I love you.

Talk to you soon!


another day...

Day 2
Well your call last night certianly put me into good spirits for today, as I woke up with a smile, even despite the fact that I had to get up and do homework. The sun is shining so brightly in my room right now , waking Kalin up and keeping me working on this stupid assignment. But in each moment, I cant totally focus, as I just keep thinking about you. About how much I love you and how sweet it was that you smuggled a call into me last night. How could I ever be so lucky as to have you in my life?

I should get back to my hw, I'm sure I'll write more later. I love you and I miss you.

Sunday, October 10

Almost a week without you

So I dont know if you will have any access at all to the internet during your retreat, but I figure that while you're away, I might as well keep a journal of what I do when youre gone, and how much I truly miss you. So lets begin.

Day 1
So maybe giving me your schedule was a bad idea, as I have checked it multiple times today to see where you are... wishing I was there with you. Since its about 6:40 right now, that means youre about to start singing, and you just finished the second talk. I hope its all going well.

So here's the beginning of what I shall call my ramblings, and a journal without you.

Since today is the second full day that I havent seen you, its getting to feel like youre supposed to come home to me tonight. But I know thats not true, even though my heart tries to trick my head into thinking so. So when I was making dinner a few minutes ago (foccaccia with pesto, cheese, cilantro, bruschetta, basil, garlic, and i think thats it...) I made enough for you too, thinking I could save some for you for dinner when you got home. But yeah. Thats how retarded I am.

I love you so very much, and though my "journal" isnt too riveting, you're in my every thought and in each moment of my heart.

I love you and I cant wait to kiss you when you get back. Only a couple more days.